Thursday, June 23, 2005

Till Someone Finds Me, I Will Be Here

Day 1, 10:27pm
I just knew I'm dead. It took me a while to realise why I can see myself lying bloodied in the drain at the side of the road. I don't know how to feel yet. Worried, scared, shocked, sad? I know my parents will start panicking given an hour or two, when they reach the hotel in Kota Bahru and find me not there yet. I was to meet up with the hotel for their 25th wedding anniversary dinner tomorrow. My three other siblings will only arrive tomorrow morning.

I can remember just driving past Jeli, wondering why the road here seems quite deserted. In the past hour, I can count the cars that passed here in my head. I remember stopping by to the side of the road, to give some guys a help pushing their car. Now I'm here, dead with my car nowhere in sight. I feel light, floating in fact.

Hey, that looks like mum's car! It is! Ma!! Pa!! I'm here! Stop the car!!! I'm here! I'm down here! Please please stop the car! Please! Oh my god, they're driving on. They didn't see me. Wait! Come back please! Please come back. Your son is here. Please help me please. The car is out of sight now, I know where they're heading. Maybe I can follow, but how? Though I can float, I feel very much like staying here, watching after my body.

Is it me or the streetlights are starting to dim around here? I can't move. I'm back in my body. I still can't move. Am I still alive? But I can't hear myself breathing. Will I be alright?


Day 2
I just got flung out of my body again. I think it's morning. I can see an old man on bicycle coming this way. Perhaps going to work. Pakcik! Tolong saya, pakcik! Pakcik, saya di bawah ni pakcik! Hey, he looked at me! Yes, he did!! Pakcik nampak saya ke? He looks confused. He's frowning. Why is he frowning? Now he's looking back up the road. Pakcik, why are you going away? Can you not see me?? Tolong saya pakcik!!


A wolf! Oh, no! God, why is this happening?? Go away! That's my body! I know you can see me. Yes, you're looking straight at me. I know you can see me! No! Stop chewing my shoulder! Get out of here!! As long as you're snarling at me now, I know you can see me. How do I scare you? Dogs sometime whine and runs away in the middle of the nights. Do they really see spirits like me? I'll just come and touch you. Good. You're backing away now. Go back to the forest and leave my body alone!! The wolf has sped off now. My body is safe.


School children! They're walking this way! Three of them. Probably siblings. Singing. I can catch the lyrics, "Kalau wak ingatkan nenek. Haruslah engkau lawati mereka". Seems foreign to me. They are near me now. Adik-adik, tolong abang, dik! Again, they don't see me. Wait, the youngest is looking at me. Abang sini, dik! Bawah ni! Panggil orang tolong abang, dik! What?! He's crying, and pointing at me. He can really see me! Adik, dengar suara abang tak? Maybe I can pull him to the side of the road so he can see me. His brother and sister is also looking at my direction, but not on me. No, don't pull him away! He sees me! He sees me!! No, why are you not letting him help me?? I have no choice. I need to pull him. No contact! There's no contact with me grabbing his arm. Now he's crying louder, and running away! I've scared him. This should not have happened. They're gone now, brother and sister running off after him.


I can hear crickets. I can hear the dusk Azan now. I believe it's Maghrib. I've tried stopping several people today. Apart from the pakcik and the young boy, I've not been getting much attention from anyone else. My body has started to rot. It's turned white and getting bloated. I don't think I'll ever return to a living body again. But I cannot end this way. What if no one finds me?? Will I end up walking this road day in and day out?

Day 3
I can see the same pakcik riding up to me again. He's riding slow now, confused look on his face. He's looking right and left. Pakcik, can you see me now? He's stopped his bicycle just meters from me. Now he's walking slowly, towards me, crouching at times looking around. He's cupping his hands over his nose. He's smelling me! My decomposing body is getting his attention! Pakcik, just a bit more to your front and look to your left, you'll see me in the drain.

He's really coming here. Yes, pakcik, just look down now. He sees me!! A shocked and horrified look on his face! He just muttered something in arabic. He has left now, riding fast on his bicycle. I do believe I'm going to be found! I hope they will wash me properly before my parents see me. I don't want them to see me like this.


I can see two police cars heading this way! Ambulance following them from the back. They've stopped now. Why two police cars?? No! My parents!! My sisters and brother!! They're coming out of the car, running at my direction now. Ma, Pa, no... don't come close. Don't see me like this!!

Ma and Pa has just jumped into the drain. Ma, I'm here. Please don't cry. She's shouting now. Pa, please help Ma!! Ma has high blood pressure, Pa... please take her away from my body. Ma's holding tight to my body, hugging me, holding me in her lap and arms just like a little child. Ma's kissing my swollen forehead, caressing my face, sweeping my hair away from my face. Ma, I'm gone now, Ma. I'm very sorry I couldn't be there on your anniversary. I love you, Ma. I love you, Pa. Please don't forget me when I go.

Pa is consoling Ma, holding her shoulders but she refuses to let go of me. She's still kissing me, shaking me, shouting at me to wake up. I can't wake up anymore, Ma! I wish I can. Don't cry anymore. I'm found. I will go to a better place, Ma. I will wait for you there. I will wait for all of you there. My sisters are crying too, but my brother is trying his best to not cry. Di, take care of the family okay? I'm sorry I failed as your elder brother.

Pa has started to cry now. Pa has sat down beside Ma. He's holding my hand, caressing it slowly. He places it at his cheek. I can see his tears rolling down, wetting my palm. Pa's hugging Ma. They're both crying, still hugging and holding and shaking me awake. No! Ma's fainted! My siblings are running after them. I'm being pulled away from the scene!! Why am I being pulled away?! I'm slowly floating into the crowd of on-lookers.

It's the little boy I saw yesterday. He's smiling at me. He's motioning me to come to him! Adik boleh nampak abang?? He's pointing to my family at the distance. I looked back. I can see Ma's regain consciousness. He's gesturing with his hand. What?! A telephone? He's smiling again at me. I feel myself floating away, I'm losing consciousness myself. How does a spirit lose consciousness?? I'm floating up now. I can see the little boy running to my family. I'm moving faster, into the sky. The last thing I see and hear before darkness falls...

"Uncle, Aunty, nanti abang tu telefon. Adik dah suruh dia telefon..."

1 comment:

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