Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Silencer

This post is inspired by a dream I had last night. Funny thing is, a psychologist would say that I have a demented mind lurking somewhere within, since dreams are all created by the sub-conscious mind. Nevertheless, I’m not one to question that which I have no control. While the post may be story-like, what is described during the “confusion” is exactly what happened in the dream, with the difference is that I’m the victim.

I feel the need to voice out, at least write out the pressures and stress I faced working this job. It’s been 12 years since I’m involved in this, and 8 years since I last had my real name called. Now it seems so foreign to me, as if whoever I was, was actually a close friend I once had.

I work for a company that has no name as well, only one person reporting and telling me what to do. I’m trained in military tactics and arts, under the commandos division. I have just finished by latest mission last night, and I head home and wept all night. It’s something I can’t bear doing anymore, and something I cannot stop. My real identity stated me as dead, and I can no longer come back to society.

My mission was to rescue a man, from a family who held him hostage. I have been watching the wooden shack for a week, making sure that I know each and every person that comes in contact with them. As with most kidnap cases, the real entity behind it will entrust the victim to someone else for at minimum a month, to a maximum of three months until the news died down.

I saw two men, a woman and a little boy, about the age of three besides the victim. I knew I had to kill them all, and I got sick to the stomach again which affected my movement. Approaching the shack I got careless stepping on a branch. Then the commotion started. I heard a man’s voice calling out to have the victim moved to a room. Then sounds gunshots firing out of the windows and shouts of warning commenced. It was dark and they had no idea where I really am.

A few minutes later, I managed to inch myself into one window of the shack. I knew they had all gathered in a bedroom knowing that they failed to find me. Their strategy is just to wait for me, and using the victim as leverage to have me flee. Strangely enough, moving along a short corridor, the door to the bedroom was ajar. Tossing a mirror sphere nearby the entrance, I managed to glimpse everyone’s location before the sphere shattered by a bullet released towards it.

It is a very simple mission. Just a lunge to the floor at the door and release my shots at the downbeat of the instance. I tossed my soft-padded voiced timer across to the other side of the corridor, careful to ensure it went over the entrance of the door. Five seconds to react. Two seconds after a gruff voice shouted a warning, I lunge myself towards the entrance before the voice could finish the sentence.

True enough, they are not trained. In that split second I could see them looking at each other acknowledging the presence of another rescuer. Two bullets was released into the skulls of the men, another shot released to the heart of the woman few moments later. I got up, went into the room, and saw the child looking terrified at me.

The victim thanked me, and proceeded to leave, but my mission is not finished. I was looking at the child when he said “That’s only a child, let’s go.” “No, he will talk. He’s old enough to know” and with that, I grabbed for the child and a pillow, and I smothered his face with it. The victim was in shock but he did nothing except to watch in disbelief. While the child was struggling, all I could do was to gently hush him. Just a whisper of “shh… shh… it’ll be fine.” This is the seventh time I’ve done this to an innocent being. Tears never fail to blind me each and every time. When the body got limp, I placed it on the bed and cried myself in a corner. It gets harder always.

I got the victim out of the area, back to the safety of the people I work with and left. I think this is enough. I’ve cleared out my home, wiped clean every inch of it and incinerated every item I’ve used. The boat which I manage to steal from the docks will take me out to sea, and with this weight tied around my legs, I can be sure that my body cannot be found. I will not be forgiven in my after-life.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Night People (Part 3) - Common Pubs

I guess this will be the most innocent of all night people. At least 80% of them goes home after a drink not reaching the superb state of drunkness, and at least 95% of them are able to drive home safely, and even if caught by the police, would prove to have lower alcohol content for safe driving.

I've only been to say, umm... let's see.... this was purely in the past, there was Bali, and then there was Heaven, and another one I can't remember, which would be in the category of discos. Pubs I've been to quite a little bit! But I guess it's less than 20 in all, yuppers, totally a nerd when compared to regular pub goers. Since I do not dance and I do not drink, the only thing, actually the only two things I can do is for the eye-candy and foosball/pool.

Still, I'd feel out of place being in a pub, because that's where inhibitions tend to go away. Weird characters jump out once they're a little high, and stop being 'closed'. This is when you see people who cries and tell sob stories (I know of one boss in my ex-company that do this every single time), who just dance until he/she's tired, who just talk and yak and yak and yak, and some who just sits down there looking about as if he/she drops the contact lens. Whatever it is, it's still another 'out' from normal everyday living.

Seriously, most of the people I ask about why they go clubbing or pubs is to i. Socialise ii. Have a great time and iii. Release stress. I'm a gamer, I release stress by gaming. :P It's a hell lot cheaper. Anyway, it's all about any of the three above, or a combination of them. It's just to laugh out loud with friends, to enjoy the moment. To some it's about looking for someone with the same objective, and allows the objective to take place somewhere private. To some others, it's just to be a 'turtle', keeping the soul deeper into the body and just let loose.

All the above helps I guess since they can continue doing it on and on, but on a daily basis is what I seriously don't understand. But hey, it's the life some people choose.... still I'm not a night person, well, maybe a 2am mamak person once in a while, but I really cannot belong in any pubs/clubs with friends who drinks and just talk the night away.

I do not enjoy being not fully in control of my body, and I definitely do not enjoy talking to the alter-ego (or ego-less) friend who would not talk about what they would should they be totally sober. Even the conversation would be forgotten, so thank you, I will go if there's a good band playing or just to be 'alone' by myself thinking about life, and the latter I can do quite often somewhere else.

A short post for a somewhat innocent kind of night activity.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Night People (Part 2) - Coyote Ugly

While waiting for a 16.3MB email to reach me from my boss, I guess I'll get on with Part 2 of night people. Again, not a post to give advice to anyone, but just an observation.

The same colleague, during those times goes out drinking a lot. Though he doesn't drink till he gets drunk, he just didn't want to go home early. I believe on two or three occasions (I think it's two) he actually brought me to this place called Bintang Garden, a 2nd floor coyote ugly styled pub which has a balcony. I have no idea if the place still exist.

Anyway, this pub have a lot more tables and chairs then the dance floor. Not only that, the place is quite well lit and the ambience very clean. Still, we have to shout to each other to be heard, which is still better compared to the Feng Tao place where you can only communicate with hand signals or typing something on your phone and show it to your friend.

These coyote ugly girls (about 16 of them) works only from 10:00pm to 2:00am. But before that, I might as well make a diary of my first visit since it will remain just an easily forgotten episode in my life in years to come. When I visited the place with him, he's already been there twice and have already made friend with a malay coyote. So, when I stepped in, and had drinks ordered, she was the one to take the order. I only got my self a freakin' RM8.00 coke (one single small glass with 2 cubes of ice).

One thing I notice is that nearly once every half hour, all 16 coyotes will get on the bar and dance to one single piece of music. They seem to have a strong liking for "Shut Up" by The Black Eyed Peas and "Pass The Dutch" by Missy Elliot. Beside the bars, four of them will be on a higher platform with poles. Being brightly lit and all, I wouldn't say that they're dressed scantily. Sexy maybe... some in jeans and normal tank top, some even with dress! As much as they'd 'show' it'll be either the thigh or mid-riff section. Not really low neckline because of the dance they have to do to avoid any 'mishaps' jumping out.

I remembered that after one of these dances, my colleague's friend came back to our table, and after that joined by 3 other girls. I totally forgotten this colleague's friend of mine's name, but I remembered being introduced to a Jo, a Nadia and a chinese girl whom I also forgotten the name. That's when I found out that they get commission for any drinks order they took, so all of them tries to get the pub's clients to buy drinks even for the dancers. Therefore, at my table, when there's six of us (including the other 4 girls), we 'ought to' buy 6 drinks.

This girl named Nadia, whom I can described as someone who has good hips and volumnous hair, tried to look all pitiful asking me to buy her a drink saying "Aku dahaga... belilah air." to which I said "Belilah sendiri." She tried on three different attempts at different song intervals (they move around to other tables as well) and stopped when she knew she'll get nothing from me.

This pub has a 'specialty' called "Blowjob". It's purely a sick man's or unlucky slob's choice of a drink to get a little fresh with the girls. The girl will fill up that tiny scotch glass thingy with vodka or whatever and she will lie down with the bottom of the glass held in her mouth. The guy will just pick up the glass with his mouth and lift it up to drink the entire content, of course taking advantage of touching lips with the girl right before that. I took 16 of the specialty that night... kidding!!

Anyway, to speed things up, the second time (now I remembered I only went there twice) I went there with slippers and was stopped at the entrance but since they knew my colleague is a regular, they let us in. This time, on one of the break, at least 8 girls joined us (at a table meant for 4). Nadia was there, but she didn't strike up any 'sales pitch' and she was talking to me, I decided to 'interview' her.

Funnily, amongst the first question I asked was "Do you drink?" to which she answered "No", she only drinks orange juice. Seeing her move from table to some other tables, it does seem that way since all those tables have orange juice, and she doesn't do "blowjob". Next question was "Does your mum know you do this?" LOL... sigh... now it sounded like I'm from the authorities, but back then I was just awed at why anyone would choose this line of work. Anyway, from the conversation (or shouting) I had with her I learned that amongst these 16, there are different characters. Some wants to get "booked" for the night, some others just lepak at the mamak after work and goes home with their boyfriends while others, including Nadia goes home to her parents. Of course I took all these stories at face value only, people can lie. Heck, even I introduced myself as "Nik". But I did say I'm in the computer line.

It seems that the general pub customers are men in their late 30's to early 50's and they just love to put their hands on the girls' thighs whenever they come to visit the table, which explains a lot to why they stopped at our tables the longest. My colleague totally respect "physical touches" and I'm totally not used to it except for close friends or old school friends, even then it's just a simple "hello" or "goodbye" or "long time no see" hug.

At that time I decided to dwelve a little bit more on the lifestyle, and since I try to make friends with people from all walk of life, I was trying to see if Nadia can indeed be a friend or just someone out there to make money. I have a lawyer friend, accountant friend, but hey, I also want some 'not so common' ones. Since I already have a tranvestite friend and a model friend (from Penang whom it's been 6 years and we've never met), no harm,.. just friends. I told her that I have absolutely no other motive than to be a friend which she agreed and gave her number and I gave mine, but my name is still "Nik", since I still don't trust the fella.

Anyway, weeks passed, I didn't contact her at all. One night about 2:30am, she called. She just reached home from work and she asked this "Hey, kakak aku nak siapkan thesis dia tapi format kat Word ni lari teruk, boleh tolong tak?" and she passed me to the elder sister. While talking to whom I believed was her housemate, I heard an older woman's voice saying "Lah, tak tidur lagi?" being replied with "Nak habiskan report ni, mak" followed by "Last minute lagi? Nadia, pergi mandi tidur." Quick analysis made me believe that this was really her home and her sister, but why would she dared use her real name in public?

To cut things short, I had about half hour of conversation with her older sister on the project and where is good to go for Masters in Business,... she was finishing her Bachelor's thesis. I did ask "Kenapa Nadia balik lambat?" to which she replied "Come on, aku tau dia dancer kat pub. I think you pun kenal dia kat situ. She told me you macam orang salah tempat, totally awkward kat situ, macam batu, lagu best pun duduk macam tengok tv, tak bergerak with the music pun."

On the phonecall with her, this is where I learned that they start work at 10pm to 2am every night (each girl 6 days a night, so in total there's actually 20+ girls). She was just turning 18 in a few weeks time, and used a friend's IC to apply for the job. They get RM3,000 as a basic pay excluding commission. She bought a whole complete set of wardrobe, which her mum got suspicious of her job and she said it's from her bonus. She finished SPM but decided to stop studying citing "Aku tak pandai macam kakak aku." She tells her mum she works as a waitress at night at a pub, amazingly her mum doesn't mind. I cannot remember what else besides the above in the hour long conversation.

The next phonecall, which turned out to be the last phonecall, a few weeks later, she said she was quitting the scene and decided to go for those event type of dancing. Promotions, product launches, etc and have started on a few already. Her boyfriend of two years who she broke up with right after SPM is back with her. That phonecall, I thought for a while, and then I told her "Good for you", and within the conversation I just told her to take good care of herself and if anything, do call me for any friendly help or advice. That's the last I heard of her, and I never did follow up (which I usually do with ALL my friends at least yearly) because I lost her phone number many months later. And my colleague, who also has her phone number went into a crazy mood deleting each any every girl's phonenumber (except work mates) when the girl he liked accepted him. But that's another story.

Hmm... rather lengthy post, but all the better since I have planned to document this interesting encounter and get it off my memory bank. One thing I learn is that some people, who doesn't want to 'fall' but wants to earn good money, dares to risk being walking on a thin line that can be to their downfall. I'm happy that one friend did not make it a career, or goes 'deeper' into it, and most probably it's because her sister kept her in check. Still, risks like this, where emotional instability can easily crop up (if she does drink and being under the influence, or at least be 'trapped' by a smooth talker), is some things that people do decide to try their mental and morale strength in.

I guess I'm weak in testing my emotional strength on a thin line like this. Even in my line of work, it's easy to get extra money. Imagine four contractors bidding for a contract for my ex-building, and all planning to give significant amount of "monetary gift" if I recommend them highly and they get accepted. I told them that I don't do it, (I also know my CEO totally despise it) and it will be on a fair trial. Better safe than sorry. Not worth getting caught and not worth throwing my honor out the window.

Sorry if the above post seem to put me in a very good light. I'm like any guy, I do enjoy watching the dances, something nice to see. But my wife knows totally well I won't, for a second, would think about getting in a relationship with anyone I know from these certain places.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Night People (Part 1) - Feng Tao

The post with the title above would have to be placed under PG18 at least, or maybe PG15. While the post will be a total "no big deal" to the night people, I treat this purely as a documentation of what I have experienced, viewed, studied and 'try-to-understand' during a period when I was among the night people. So, people under 18, please stop reading this now.

I plan to have a Part 1 - Feng Tao, Part 2 - Coyote Ugly and Part 3 - Common Pubs; just as an expression from a extreme night people to that of the most common ones. I will not talk about night races, rempit, hookers/transvestites waiting by the roadside and drunkards walking about and shouting in the streets. These 'activities' I have seen, but did not get myself absorbed to understand why the human body and soul act that way.

Back in 2002 - 2003, I had the opportunity to go out at night quite a bit, especially since I had a colleague friend who seem to 'adopt' a "need to release my sorrow" habit which he carried about three months or so.

Feng Tao, which literally means shaking head (I don't know in which dialect) refers to the darkest (in terms of light and feeling) of discos I have ever been in. It starts about 2am all the way to the early morning at 7am and no one would know it's daylight. My colleague, while in normal pubs have made some friends with a more hardcore drinker and someone who's crazy about going feng tao. Here's my experience....

My colleague picked me up from home and brought me over to (I forgot the location) where I notice it's a pub cum snooker centre which he plays often. Then his friend suggested to check a feng tao place. My colleague wasn't so sure about this but would like to take a look, and therefore, knowing (hopefully) that I can think straight, I followed suit just to take a look. We got into his friend's car, and we went off towards... crap.. I forgot the location. Anyway, it's a shophouse, packed with cars on the outside but very quiet.

Before we went in, his friends decided to 'smoke'. This smoking was done using a small mineral water bottle, with the 'vegetable' placed into the bottle and lit and the bottle capped. A small hole was bored at the side of the bottle where a stay is placed in and they just puff away. We never tried. That's the first 'step' to getting high.

About 15 minutes later, near 1:30am we were led into to the door, once inside we had to walk to a totally dark maze like area with only 'arrow' lights on the floor, and music started to get louder. Once totally inside, at least three bouncers are on standby, trance music totally deafening, and at least 90% of the people are just nodding their head to the beat of the bass. WTF!

Three jugs of beers given, my colleague took one glass, and he said taste awful. Then the second 'step' offered, a pill! Somewhat 'respectably' these friends of his respect free will, they just offer but it's up to you to take or not. The whole place was nearly dark, with disco lights, and packed, and on the way to the common toilet, there's already a couple doing 'project' on the floor! Back to the edge of what seems to be where these zombies are, I was fascinated at these 90% of people who are just moving, nodding, clapping and 'touching' and being totally oblivious to what the heck is around. Serious zombies.

When the DJ shouts something, they all go "yeaaa!!!". Heck, he could have said "Do you all wanna die?" or "Do you all wanna go home now?" Within 20 minutes we left the place outselves and took a cab back to his car. I revisited another feng tao place within two weeks, this time at Puchong IOI Mall roof top, same ole'.

Like being a drunk, or getting extremely high on smoking or even drugs, my only answer to why these people chose such an activity,... is for release. To release oneself from the world's care, no worries, no responsibility, no feeling. It's like they want to be dead for a while, just to 'rest' the soul. Any-hoot, I don't judge them, but to me this lifestyle is an extreme lifestyle which just cannot suit a lot of people. To just go home totally stoned driven by one person who's not drunk, and waking up the next day not knowing what happened the night before is somewhat of a "reset" button to these people. At least that's what they explained to me.

One thing for sure, in every group, there is nearly at least one other person who will be sober the entire time. His/her 'job' is to make sure they go home safe. Funny team, but hey, they at least made sure they don't 'die' for good.

Monday, June 11, 2007

We'll Wait For You

Though science proved that the first heart beat starts on the 22nd day of fertility, and that the Malaysian fatwa stated that abortion is not condoned after 40 days of fertility. Still, according to Riwayat Bukhary and Muslim, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) stated that after three terms of 40 days, the spirit is 'blown' into the body. Science also proved that independent actions starts about that time (i.e. movement of body). This is strengthened in Al-Hijr: 28-29.

On the 5th of May 2007, we received our first news that you are coming. Your body is being developed. Three checks with two clinics (received negative comments) and hospital (natural development) indicated that you should arrive by early January 2008. Mommy and I started a small preparation for you, like looking at pregnancy clothes, clothes extensions, etc.

On 5th of June 2007, mommy started bleeding. So, we went to see the doctor who delivered your brother. Sadly, your body's heart stopped beating, and your house was smaller. Mommy cried. I cried too, but I guess God has other things in mind. All that we hope now is that you still come back to our family instead of being 'blown' in another body, which I believe God's grace allows that.... though we will never know what happens 'Up There'.

Meantime, I guess your brother has to content himself with playing his toy cars while waiting for you. Mommy will have to wait longer to carry you, but the good thing is, mommy is re-preparing her body for the better so that your body can grow with greater care, Insya-Allah.

We've saved all records of your body's development up to the day your body stopped growing so that we can show you next time. On record, your body managed to grow to 8 weeks (according to Doctor's calculation) or 6 weeks (according to me, since I calculated from what I believe is the exact date of fertilization).

We are waiting for you, but take your time. Just not too much time, ok? :)

Mommy, your brother and myself.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Extreme Physical Tiredness

I'm sure some of you have been in my position before.

Today I was so tired and sleepy, and did fall asleep by 8:30pm, however ended up waking up again and stayed well beyond your tiredness and sleepiness that it all goes away. Now it's 2:00am in the morning and I don't know how to sleep.

I've been in this position a couple of times before. Those that stands out well is of course during college days, whereby I get sleepy by 11:00pm, but because of the lure of that online game that keeps me awake, by the time it's 2:00am, I'm fresh! Can even go out mamak at 3:00am and then come home and continue gaming. And by 11:00am the next day still fresh!! Except that I can't feel my skin anymore. Things feel dull.... and then the only thing I can do it just to lie down and hope that sleep gets to me.

Scary feeling. The worst time ever was my first day of SPM. I practically did not sleep the night before AT ALL. What's weird is that I was not even worried about the exam, and by 2:00am..... well, I guess you all go through this... by a certain time that you can't sleep, you end up counting "Okay, if I can sleep now, I still get five hours." and then you end up watching the clock... and awake... "Crap, it's 3:00am now, four hours... come on man, sleep, sleep!" and yet you still watch the clock tick away in the middle of the night. It's ridiculous! But I guess as humans we tend to do this.

In the end we end up not sleeping at all until... guess what... 30 minutes before we're supposed to get up, and then we REALLY have problems trying to get up. Sigh... the human body.

Good night.