Thursday, July 28, 2005

Working For Three Bosses

I have not been updating any posts lately coz' this entire week I have been busy with some real estate stuff involving all three of many bosses of my company. It can get real headache trying to compile documents of three bosses into one.

Imagine this.....

Boss 1: All documents must have a date. Must be Arial 11. Must be 1.5 line spacing. Loves indentation. Likes numbering from 1 to many many many many. For letters, likes to have everything written in the letter from page 1 to the last page before he signs.

Boss 2: Text must be Arial 11, titles must be Tahoma 12. Every document must have a header at top left about what the document is about. Pages must be "Page 1 of 10" at center of footer. Front of documents must have big letters in the center stating what the document is. Loves alphabet as bullets. Main title must be A. Sub of that is 1. And sub-sub is a) and sub sub sub is i), ii), iii),... you get the idea. For letters, likes to have ONE page letter, followed by attachment of document.

Boss 3: All documents must have reference number. Prefers Arial 10, and 1 line spacing. Hates indentation where unnecessary. Page must be "1" or "2" or "3" located at bottom right of page. Prefers the 1.0, followed by 1.1 and then any indentation will be 1.1.1 and 1.1.2 and so on. For letters, likes to have two to three page letter, followed by many appendixes.

Okay, now. My task is to obtain two documents from Boss 1 and Boss 2 respectively, and compile the documents into a "document which doesn't look like it came from two documents" and then present it to Boss 3. Before giving to Boss 3, Boss 1 wanna see how the new document turns out because he doesn't want me to take out anything from the document I got from him. So is Boss 2!

What happens next is pure havoc. Have to create documents according to the formatting the boss likes. I never knew what they like until this week, and taadah, we have how I described my bosses' likes and dislikes on document formatting above.

Altogether, it took me a total of seven hours straight in completing this work. What an experience! My face got so oily I manage to fill up one whole canister of cooking oil. I have just sold it to the canteen guy below. Disgusting!!

Head is beginning to blow, but I'm happy that it's already near 5pm. Once I get out of the office, gonna jump on my WCG 2005 scooter, wear my SHOEI helmet, start the bike and head off home. Problem is, I don't know how to drive a bike. Come to think of it, I don't even own that WCG 2005 scooter. Nevermind, I'll just scoot along in my car.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Migraine

Due to migraine, I have opted not to write today, but since I'm already writing, might as well ramble on about very ridiculous stuff. Headache,.. headache ah,.. aiyo headache, headache, HeadAche, HEADACHE! Use Uphamol, bla bla bla, damn radio advert.

It's interesting how radio adverts can just get stuck in people's head. One that stuck on me a loooong time was a cacat Fisherman's Friend advert. It went something like....

Cool Friends, Real Friends,
Craazyy Friends, e-Friends,
Everybody Need A Friend Like Fisherman's Friend,
Fisherman's Friend!!
*Fisherman's Friend, that's what friends are for!

Real cool lyrics, man! Tabik. Salute. Even I am not capable of coming up with such lyrics. Okay, to stop being sarcastic, I won't talk about radio adverts. If I do, it'll be in another post dedicated to radio adverts.

Current Happenings! Roti Canai price rising up!! It's totally crazy. I understand mamak like Lotus and Nasi Kandar Mamak charging RM1.00 for roti canai coz' they think they so great and all able to open several outlets all around Malaysia. But to have just a normal restoran mamak now charging 90sens, hello?! Since when milo ais rised from RM1.50 to RM1.70?? Kedah still offering Milo Ais at RM1.00 and roti canai at 70sens. Crazy.

Also, who watched the Conspiracy Theory shown on Astro on Saturday. A colleague watched it, seems logical. That the first video footage taken on the moon was faked. Several reasons are: -
1. The camera was very stable on a super-low gravity environment
2. Crosshair on camera (which should always remain on the screen) can be hidden by objects moving in the scene.
3. Footage taken away from landing site has the exact same terrain as the one taken at the landing site.

So, now,... what's real and what's not? Another thing too. With technology of successful cloning, I see two products that will be undervalued very soon. Firstly is coin collecting. Current machine can easily create a 1945 coin at will. How will we then know if a coin is genuine or not?? The other product is crystal. Crystals, be it obsidian, topaz, opal, amethyst, nokia, citrine and the rest (kidding about nokia), are created by high impact, which IS currently able to be man-made! And man-made crystal are perfect, not flawed in any way! So now, to buy a REAL crystal, might as well find a flawed one for genuinity, however, if man can create perfect crystal, it won't be difficult to add in flawness to the crystal. We'll see what happens in the near future.

Before I sign off, Swarovski Crystal creates their OWN crystal, by mixing glass and carbon. I'm not attacking Swarovski, coz' they themselves admits so,... so,... why are people buying expensive carbonated glass? The only advantage is it does not get broken, only chipped. Anyway, I'm off.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Mamak Etiquette

Warning: Lewd joke ahead.

Foreigners and rich dudes/dudettes who has not experienced eating at mamak stalls, or are still new to eating at mamak stalls may find this post helpful. This post will cover several questions you may have about eating at a mamak stall.

While the word mamak literally means Indian muslims, the context in Malaysia has changed �mamak stall� to comprise a collection of stalls, where ONE would have to really be a mamak-owned stall. Collection of Malay or Chinese food stalls is not considered mamak. In the guide below, I will use �mamak� as waiter, cook and anyone you�re interacting with.

Step 1: Stand/Sit and Point/Call

Upon reaching the table you wish to sit at, check the seats. Sometimes there are drink stains or the seat may be wet. If the mamak is already waiting for your order, point to the places you wish to have him clean, be it the chair or the table, and say �Lap sikit� (pronounced Lupp-See-Kate) meaning �Wipe a bit�. Not �lap-see-kate� please� you DON'T WANT a mamak doing a lap dance for you. Anyway, you will see that mamaks go an extra mile by wiping everything though you only asked him to wipe a bit. Sit down, and go to the next step.

Step 2: Ordering Drinks

We usually start with ordering drinks. Most mamak will not have a drink menu, and that�s the beauty of it! You can basically order most drinks (no alcohol though) or even mix them, or even ask for less ice (�Kurang Manis�) or less sweetness (�Kurang Ais�). Two examples here is �Teh O Ais Kurang Manis� means �Tea without milk, not so sweet� or �Milo Ais Kurang Ais� meaning �Milo, less sugar�. Don�t go crazy and ask for �Kopi Panas Kurang Ais� or �Air Kosong Kurang Manis�.

Another beauty is to add either lime (�Limau�) or asam boi (sour plum). Ice Lemon Tea will be �Teh O Ais Limau�, and Lemon Pepsi will be �Pepsi Ais Limau� though people hardly order the latter. Adding asam boi usually applies to things without milk. Do not add asam boi to your milo, it�ll taste horrid!

Finally, another beauty is to add two different drinks. Nescafe and Milo will be Neslo, taking the �Nes� of Nescafe and �Lo� of Milo. You can go crazy as well, by ordering Coke + Milo + Watermelon but I�d advice against it. Others combos would be Nes-Ko for Nescafe and Coffee, Mi-Teh for Milo and Tea (if you like it). The mother of all combos is Horlicks, Milo, Coffee and Tea, which will be �LickMiKoTeh�, pronounced as �Lick My Co-teh��. BUT� it brings to a whole different meaning. Suffice to say that if the mamak is gay, he�d happily go under the table. Also avoid two doses of Milo by �Lickmitelo� which will bring the same action from a gay mamak. Order them differently please.

Step 3: Ordering Food

With damn many varieties of food that also cannot be fit onto a menu, just ask them to name what can be ordered. Be amazed at the bullet speed of menu items that comes out from his mouth. Simply put, there are more than 8 varieties of roti canai, more than 8 varieties of nasi goreng, more than 8 varieties of noodles and ways to cook it. You get the point. These varieties will only increase in the future, just as fast as technologies. If you�re new, just ask them to recommend.

For simplicity, these are the types of roti canai in the market: - Roti Canai/Biasa; Roti Telur; Roti Planta, Roti Sardin, Roti Pisang, Roti Paper/Tissue, Roti Bom, Roti Naan, and I have not included Murtabak, Tosei, Capati, Puree and others.

Nasi goreng comes in Nasi Goreng Cina; Pattaya, Kampung, USA, Mamak, Cili Padi, Ketam, Ayam, Mutiara, Daging Masak Merah, Padprik,� and damn lots more! I don�t even wanna go into noodles.

Thinking about it again, I highly suggest you to tour other customer�s tables and see what they�re eating. When you see what you like, call the mamak over and point over to that delicious dish you see. Dish as in food, not girls. Say "Saya nak yang tu!" (trans: I want that one), and point properly at the food, not the girl/guy eating it. Mamak does not work �that� way.

Step 4: Waiting for Food

Your drinks will come in a jiffy. Regular customers usually pay at the end of their meal, but newcomers usually need to pay the moment the drink reaches the table. So, pay up. And while waiting for the food, you can just do anything like talking on the phone, smoking, laugh, sing, play hide-and-seek, play catching, cry, lick back the mamak�s koteh (no, actually this one cannot) or just sit quietly.

During this time, you will be visited by someone saying �Cik, mintak tolong sikit cik?� or �Cik, derma sikit cik�. This is very common at food stalls, blind beggars who asks for donation. Now, some are truly genuine, while some are working in a syndicate. It�s up to you to decide. In my personal experience, I have seen beggars getting up to RM300 per night and changing it for bigger notes with stall owners. There are some who will hang out with other so-called blind beggars smoking away outside the perimeter. Your risk to donate. If you don�t wish to donate, usually patrons will say �Takde� meaning �don�t have�.

When the food arrives, pay for it and enjoy your meal.

Step 5: Paying Up

If you were not required to pay when your meals arrive, it�s time to call relevant stall owners to pay up. Just wave to a mamak by saying �boss!� and say �Kira� which translate to count or calculate. Don't mispronounced it as "Mamak, Gila!". They should cost quite okay as compared to eating in a fast-food restaurant. If you find extra charges or that the price is exuberant, recall your entire dinner, did you order Lickmykoteh?? Yea, you did didn�t you? No wonder it�s expensive.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Tribute To Radio Gila

Back in the early 1990�s, there were two groups of crazy people who decided to record how their own radio station would be like. One was Kopy Kat Klan and the other was Radio Gila, and both made their so-called radio station onto cassettes (yea, during these times, CD was still new). I believed Kopy Kat Klan made two �albums�. Anyway, after all these years, due to overplaying of their cassettes, some things are still in mind.

If you�re a fan of Radio Gila, and have it, do contact me coz� I think it�s damn difficult to find a copy of it nowadays. I can remember commentaries, songs like Ti Or Or, and others. Below is one of the song lyrics in Radio Gila. The word in brackets are just the translation of the malay words. Sad to say, while I have an idea what they mean, I dunno the proper translation of the Chinese words.

Anyone with cassettes of Kopy Kat Klan and Radio Gila, please contact me!!

===================

My one so long,

And his one dark and strong,

His friend one white like sotong (squid),

My brother�s kena potong (got cut),

John�s one thick like king kong�s,

Jim�s one macam kangkung,

Peter�s one smells like lap cheong,

The others look really ching chong,

And when I ask her to blow it,

She said that I would have to wash it,

Otherwise she will not do it,

She said it�s unhygienic,

My one so long,

And his one dark and strong,

His friend one white like sotong,

My brother�s kena potong�

My brother�s kena potonnggg�.

*Commentary right after the song*

There you have it folks. The group of Seri Devi barber singing about getting a haircut.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Dogs Are Barking

This is not the Part 4 of my ghost story. It�s just something I feel like writing today. For maximum impact, please read this at night before bed, in the calmness of your own room. But, even if you don�t, it�s okay, because it�s going to happen tonight nonetheless. I�m not writing about me now, I�m writing about you!

It�s already 11:27pm right now, and dogs have started to bark outside seeing things humans cannot see. Sometimes I wonder if these things are just outside or also in my house, or even in my room right now! Feeling quite frightened, I continue surfing the net, reading a ghost story on someone�s blog. I remembered a Chinese show that says ghosts also enjoy listening to ghost stories. Is it the same with reading ghost story? Is a ghost behind me, leaning over my shoulder also reading this same blog I�m reading?

I feel as if someone is standing behind me now. I did a quick turn. No, no one. It�s just my imagination from reading this stupid ghost blog. My senses started to sharpen now, I really do feel as if someone is in my room standing behind me. Damn, if only I have a mirror in front of me, I can always monitor what�s going on behind me than having to look around ever so often. Worst, with the stereo�s music, it�s not helping me hear any footsteps or breathing.

With my sharpened senses now, I know someone is outside my window. I dare not look out, but whoever it is, is looking right at me. As much as I�d like to ignore it, it knows I know it�s there. I believe I have somewhat called to it, and to other ghosts as well, subconsciously. They can sense fear from far away, just as shark sense blood, and my fear is ever increasing reading this blog.

Right now, many of the ghosts are descending and floating to my house, those that are already in my house are slowly seeping into my room. Standing and floating around me reading along or sensing along what I�m reading.

Crap, I feel like peeing now. Shouldn�t have drank so much. I dare not to go the toilet because I know that when I look into the mirror, I can see myself just standing there, staring at me instead of copying my actions. I know that if I even glance a look into the toilet bowl, there will be a face, dressed in Chinese opera make-up staring up at me. What? Am I suppose to pee at that face? No, I will run and find another person to be with, probably my parents, probably my siblings. Crap, this means I�ll not sleep in my room tonight. I need to pee. I want to pee. I really feel like peeing! Dammit! I�m scared.

If I have to face those ghosts in the toilet, what would it be like to sleep tonight? I may have to sleep with the lights on, instead of the usual dim lights or total darkness. Once I settle myself to sleep with the lights off, I will start hearing sounds of shuffling in my room. No, that won�t be the wind making a tissue move on the tissue box, that will be someone�s head moving, just looking at me, smiling his mocking smile. Something will creep up by bed, looking first for my feet. I can almost feel its hands grabbing my feet now, eventhough it�s going to happen later tonight in bed!

I don�t know how I know this, but later in bed, my drawers will open ever so softly, a bloodied severed hand will creep out. It will start moving on the floor towards me, letting me hear that shuffling sound I�ve always wondered about, in the darkness of my room. I will try to ignore it, thinking it�s not real, but I will know it is. It will get onto my bed, to put itself over my mouth and keep me from screaming. When I can�t scream, the cupboards of my room will open wide, and that�s when a woman with long hair and mocking laughter will come out floating towards me.

I will try to get up and run, but I will not be able to fight the hands that will already grab my legs. When I look to my left, I will be seeing a very grotesque dead man pinning my hands to the bed. The ghost that is outside my window right now, yes, right now, that�s the dead man who will be holding my hands later. He will be going to lick my neck, once the blood ooze out from it later. The lady will hover over me, putting her face close to mine for me to see. Pusses, blood and cracked skin will accompany those dark black eyes. She will take her sharp nails, cuts a little skin at my neck, and then proceed to plunge her fingers into my stomache. That will be the end of me tonight. Will I really die tonight?!

No, I don�t think so. This is just my imagination running wild from reading this stupid blog. But no, this blog was not written by the blogger. No, it�s written by the lady, just now when I was at dinner. What I�m reading is not real. It�s what the lady is planning for me. Yes, I will face those things when I go to pee and brush teeth later. I will see my mirror-self staring and smiling at me, I will see the opera make-up face in the toilet bowl. I will switch off the lights to sleep, to hear shuffling and breathing in the room, to hear the drawers open softly, to feel something creeping up my bed. I will be held, at my mouth, on my legs, my hands, seeing a dead man in hunger for my blood, and a lady who will come out of my closet, to cut me, and finally feed on me.

I have to stop reading this blog. But nothing's gonna change if I do?! It will happen anyway. But I have no choice but to stop reading, because the blog has ended. The ghosts are making their move on me now.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Bloggers 'Dying'

*In memories of three blogger friends and two blogger strangers*

Without needing to name some bloggers in particular, I have noticed that since I started blogging, a number of blogger friends (as well as non-friends) have stopped blogging. It's sad that freedom of speech need to be stopped, just because sometimes we write about things we find common, but not common to our loved ones.

It's like a lie. When you start a lie, you feel guilty, and when the lie has been there for months and months, it's so natural to you that for all you know it, you blurt it out and someone who is part of that lie finds out and you're screwed. I'm not saying that they're lying, but it's the realisation that "What!? My son/daughter/dad/grandma has been doing this all along and I didn't know about it?!" and then they feel shameful, not realising that the blogger has grown up to an adult, and would have total freedom in whatever they write, as long as it is within limits of culture and law.

I am not a diary blogger, therefore the only thing that can get back at me are my opinions. So if I were to say that our PM Abdullah Badawi comes from an ancestral line of vampires from Transylvania, and I really push that opinion, then I'd see myself in jail, for faking a story (due to opinion)... and then seeing him visiting me at night and giving me a vampiric bite for revenge.

As Malaysians, though we're neighbour of Thailand and Singapore, we really do have a more closed culture compared to them. I'm not saying this is bad, but this is culture, and we better respect it. If you're not comfortable with Malaysian culture and way of thinking, then leave the country. I have my shares of being uncomfortable with it, but it doesn't disturb me much.

With that said, I think these are the boundaries of a Malaysian diary blogger. Go over these boundaries, and you'll have either friends, relatives or even the law coming after you.

Indecent Photos
A certain blogger did this, and I hope that certain blogger remove it for that certain blogger's sake. (update: the certain blogger removed it. Good on you. I don't give a damn what you do in real life, behind your blogs. But, I really don't wanna see you in trouble with the law.) I'm totally fine with it, but our law will not tolerate that, and furthermore, that certain blogger is very easily tracable. It would hurt that certain blogger's family if that certain blogger ends up in the news. Best keep photos that show skin (or other people's skin) to the bare-ness level of what your family is used to when you go out. Meaning, if your family are used to seeing you in tube and mini-skirt, post photos up to that level. If your family has only seen you in jeans and t-shirt (only baring arms, face and feet), you'd know you get in trouble if they find out about your blog wearing even something as common (to you, not to them) as spaghetti strap, what more a tube and mini.

Relationships
Best to keep relationships activities to the minimum, and only blog social aspects of the relationship. "Today we watched a movie" or "He/She gave me flowers today". We do not need to continue that story, because once it goes against culture, you're gonna get it. Let's put it simple, before you blog, imagine you reading the same on your future son/daughter's blog. How would you feel reading "He/She gave me flowers today. I was so happy I gave a kiss on the lips (whoa?). Then I pulled him/her into the house. (whoa?!). We continued kissing (whoa?!?) and he/she started necking me (whoa?!?!). Then we stopped and went up to my room. (faints)...." yeah, and you actually continued "I've never been necked before, that was the first and I told him/her that we should stop it until we're married. We then started out studying, of course with the doors open." Your parents would have stopped at (faints)... I mean, they would think "If my son/daughter already started kissing, and able to write on the blog, imagine what they DIDN'T write!". Best keep activities to a minimum. A village mother would even freak out reading her daughter holding hands in a movie theatre. Seriously, keep activities to a minimum.

Sikit-sikit Lama-lama Jadi Bukit (Little by Little, In The End A Hill)
Bad translation there, but nevermind. I do realise that eventhough I'm not writing a diary blog, anyone intending to get to know the real me would have gathered quite a lot of information. Why? Because information related to me are sprinkled all over my posts. From the way I write, to the way I express myself, to my nicknames, to my job. Simply put, with correct contacts I can easily be tracable, just need to get the list of guys who applied for Streamyx on that certain date, get a list of estate agents who does office space, scope it to KL/Selangor area, get a list of guys who applied Jaring Wireless, get a list of guys who are married and 26 years of age. You'll scope it down to 20, and then find guys who drives bla bla ... you know the rest.

BUT!!! Diary bloggers are direct! Though some of them never put in their photos, the diaries expose more of themselves without them knowing. Reading the entire blog from post one to latest post, I'm sure you can even identify where he/she lives, especially preferences!! To food. To clothes. To type of people. To products. And also, about family, about finance (veeerryy dangerous this one), and so on. Blogs are heaven for stalkers and marketers. You DON'T know who knows you!

Keep Judgement Out Of Your Post
This is very common! Even I judge a person or the government or some political figure (yes,... I just did on our PM). But we better keep judgement of people we meet out of the picture. I know I judged one of my tenant, I judged a real estate agent, and many more, but before putting it on post, I really do need to know the consequences should they read my blog. Eventhough they dunno whose blog this is, it's easily tracable larr.... "eh, this guy is talking about us, ohh.. bloody hell Mr Java!" Unless of course you know that if the dude reads it, they will be okay with it.

Imagine writing "I went out with my colleague last night, he brought along his girlfriend. She's really hot! During dinner, I noticed her touching my feet with hers, and leaving the restaurant, I excused myself to go to the toilet. My colleague said he'll just take a fag outside, but his girlfriend also needed to use the loo. And of course, his girlfriend and I really went at it. What a stupid idiot he is!" Ahhh.... while it's really amazing to many readers out there from 1 reader to 10 million reader, one human being out there better not read it!

In Conclusion
I have more to write, but I won't. It's gonna be a long post. It's not easy being a blogger. You have to jaga (take care) of so many people's feelings. From your parents, to your friends, to the country, to your officemates and to your pets (maybe this one no need). I'd like to think that if you have an open-minded parents, your blog is totally safe if they're an avid reader, and totally okay with whatever you write. You actually have all the blessings of your loved ones to blog. At least I know my wife and one sibling (whoa, an info sprinkle!) is okay with whatever I write.

In conclusion, I respect all retreating bloggers and bloggers who tutup (close) shop, because as they're matured adults to start blogging about their life, and they're matured adults to stop blogging as well! They're not paid like singers or actresses,... who are we to be unhappy with them stopping. To those who stopped, it's sad that you cannot or decided not to express yourself anymore. But everything that ends starts a new beginning. All the best!

Monday, July 18, 2005

Sleepy Post

Due to lack of sleep and a busy weekend, also because of not much work here today, I'm totally sleepy and while I have all the free time to write a post, my brains are not working well today as well. I just feel like closing my eyes and dozing off. Since I can't do that, I might as well just ramble about current happenings. I guess this will be the first post on current issues.

Harry Potter Craze
As much as I respect the writer for having such a solid fan-base, I am very amused at fans lining up from 5:10am in the morning at bookshops around the country to grab their Harry Potter latest book. I am not a Harry Potter reader, in the future maybe I will be, maybe I won't. But whatever charisma that Harry Potter has really made readers want to get the books as soon as possible, start reading it and well, I guess finish it in one to two days. And then another few months of wait. Already there's abuzz of someone dying in the book, and all spoilers coming out. So, people rush to get the book either to read it before spoilers start coming up, or they don't want the shops to run out of books. I noticed that bookstores in Malaysia did not run out of these Harry Potter books in the past, and within a month, there'll be an overstock I'm sure. That said, I guess the strongest craze in Malaysia was McDonalds bear-couple last time.

Azizi the Hero
Sad that a hero died while trying to save a total stranger. Condolense to his family. God always ask the good people to return to him. This negates any risk of them committing any evil act on purpose or accidentally in their later years. He will be amongst the ones that enter heaven first, and will wait at the gate to receive his loved ones when they too, pass away.

Luxury Items and Dead Items
These used to be luxury items, but now it's a totally common item. They are, however, still a luxury to village folks. 1) Handphone, 2) Microwave Oven, 3) Computer, 4) Vacuum Cleaner, 5) Aircond and 6) Car.
These items used to be luxury items, and then slowly becoming common item, and now dead or dying. 1) Pager, 2) Cassettes, 3) Laserdisc, 4) Piring Hitam (black music discs) and 5) Blade shaver

Mencari Cinta (Looking For Love)
TV3's new show "Mencari Cinta" is going to be a crossover between "For Love or Money" and "My Fat Obnoxious Fiance". Ten men (already nine now) will try to see if they can find love in one girl. Slowly they'll be eliminated, but by the girl's family, not only the girl. Of course you don't expect to see hot scenes like "For Love or Money" lah. This show targets malay audiences, and I foresee that as Malaysians, though they might make a fool of themselves from their comments or lashes, they will all get their own fan-base, as nearly all Akademi Fantasia contestants achieve to get fan-base too.

Miss Tourism International, Kuching, Sarawak
With too many Miss , the prestige of the olde Miss World or Miss Universe will lose it's meaning. Also, do a search, I think there's two Miss Tourism International in the year 2005. Seems as if main organisers of Miss Tourism International did not manage to protect their Intellectual Property. I hope this don't turn out like that fake Miss that was help right before year 2000 in Kuala Lumpur, that ended up being contested by transvestites, only it's NOT a Miss Transvestite title or even related to it.

Snatch Thieves
Snatch thieves are running rampant. They used to grab and run, now they slash, grab and run. To reduce the population of snatch thieves, I implore the government to give a nice looking handbags to women of Malaysia, to first inject Antrax into it and let the women carry it around (without opening it of course). This way, then the thieve snatches it away, and open it, they die. Yay, free culling of snatch thieves.

Oil Price Rise Scare
Now is the time to get rid of your fuel-drinking cars, and make top car-makers have problems selling fuel to Malaysians. Honda, Toyota will rise, but Volvos, BMWs and Mercs might start seeing decline in market demand. It's ridiculous. In the mat salleh countries, cars are cheap, fuel is expensive. Here, cars are expensive, fuel is cheap,... but once fuel gets expensive, we get double whammy. Why do we earn like RM2,000 and buying RM70,000 cars while mat sallehs earn US$2,000 and buys only up to US$20,000 for a good-enough car?

Rise in Share Prices
While I do not get involved in buying shares for this year and maybe another two years, I have been following share market to a small degree. This is the price market for the low-income people who don't buy Maxis or Public bank, but other smaller companies. I did a review on two shares, namely Cheetah and FTEC. I believe that Cheetah has growth potential to take over sports apparel market, and FTEC has strong growth potential too due to their crazy advertising of that butterfly-shaped laptop. In my personal opinion, both Cheetah and FTEC is under-valued. And please, strong ones like Maxis might only rise up to 5% in a month. I won't touch Cheetah, but let me show you how FTEC has done.

7th June - RM0.18 ---> mid-June - RM0.215 ---> end-June - RM0.225 ---> 18th July - RM0.27.

Enough to say that's a good 50% increase. If you have bought FTEC worth RM5,000, you'd get back RM7,500 now. In my opinion, a low to medium-income person might as well go for these, than going for the RM9 - RM11 per share of Maxis or Telekom or Banks. Taking Maxis into account, on 7th June it was RM9.90 and now it's RM10.00. Whoa... big deal. You spend RM9,900, get back RM10,000 in one month, and after paying your broker, you are at a loss, not a profit.

Anyway, share market is a time game. Big spenders look for long term. I may or may not, once I start dealing with shares in the future.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Amy Is My Wife, Fool!

This is a follow-up from yesterday's post which you should read first. A letter from Frank to me. Didn't know he exist!

Mr Javalier,

I hope you are having a good day because I'm going to ruin it for you. I don't know how you know of me, but I'm glad a good friend of mine came across your blog. Let me just set the record straight here, fool! Can I call you a fool? Coz' you certainly write like one.

Amy is my wife. You got your facts right. I'm 58 years of age and she's 23. I met her in Korea, on my business trip there. She is not someone who I picked up in a bar, in fact, she is my liason manager with my business associates there. I met her only two years ago, and not four as you stated.

I'll have you know that she is my first wife, and going to be my only wife. I married late because I'm ambitious, unlike you who seems to be jealous and spiteful over successful businessmen. I worked my a*se off since I was 18 to bring myself where I am today. I don't owe you any explanation on how I became successful because you're not worth my time. All you need to know is that I'm actually earning around US$75,000 and not US$50,000, or even US$300 which I'm sure you're earning.

Your job may be real estate, but a driver to a real estate tycoon is also in the real estate industry. Like you, I respect anyone with a job, but I think you're deliberately misleading your readers to think that you're some highly macho mighty guy who's big in real estate. Get real, if you're successful, you would have written more on investment properties, construction projects, than how to buy a house.

I got married only after I'm pleased and contented with my success, hence the huge difference between my age and Amy's. Fool, you judged us just from a few moments of noticing us? What a jerk. How lame can anyone be? Pick a book, learn, not everything you see is as you judge. I hope you can be a better man, fool, than some cheap a*s who's trying to write negatively about other people. Continue this, and you will find friends deserting you in a split second.

I have nothing more to say.

Frank Kennyshort, NY

Saturday, July 16, 2005

AMY: My Personal Social Escort

This post is not meant for minors, so, AdamPeterPan, please read other posts. :P Kidding. Anyway, what made me write this is because I'm trying to be evilly judgemental on what I saw. A 55++ years old white dude was taking photographs with a 25-- girl at KLCC. The only thing is that when they do touch, it's more of a passionate touch than romantic touch. It's easy to mistaken (or maybe it's true) to be social escort. The over-weight dude wearing pants and un-tucked short-sleeve shirt, while the girl dresses well in black. So, let's take this extreme and elaborate further.

My name is Frank. I'm 58, in years, not in length. I come from New York. Due to my successes in business since ten years back, I only need to work three to six days a month. The other days are quite laid back as my business is stable, and I only need to monitor by business monthly for financial report and strategic discussion with my business team. Though I earn a whole damn lot, I only spend less that $50,000 per month. I found joy in exploring the world since 7 years ago, but it got stale after three years. Then a new chapter of my life began.

What I'd like to do is travel around the globe at the beginning of every month, alone, for about a week. My wife doesn't like traveling and my children are still schooling, so it becomes a bore to travel alone. That's when I decided to explore social escort services; however, my friends said that it's best to pick one up than going through services, knowing that they're in it totally for the money. This was 4 years ago.

That suited me just fine. The next trip was to Malaysia, where I've been to quite a number of times on business trips. I've known of this club in KL where single ladies like to hang out, and I decided to check out the place. It was easy enough getting some of them to come up to me and have a chat. They wanted some company, and I wanted some company, a simple match made in a pub. That's where I met Amy. Amy is Korean, stopped by in KL visiting friends she said, however, her friends did not join in that night. I asked her what she does for a living, and she said she just finished school and is only 19!! She was hoping to get into advertising or broadcasting in Malaysia. Knowing Asian (other than Japan) market, I joked with her that instead of earning a paltry MYR3000 per month, she might as well work at MYR2000 (about $600) per day. That lit up her eyes, and she asked the nature of the job. I told her not to be pissed with me, but it seems that being a freelance escort can earn between MYR1500 up to MYR5000 per day. I told her that some escorts have a strict rule of not sleeping with the client, but those are the ones that charges lower.

She paused a moment, and surprisingly asked me if I'd like to have an escort. To accompany me on my holidays. However, she wanted me to see her as Amy, not as an escort. She asked of my family, which I told her that none of our conversation should ever head in that direction. I asked her the price she wanted to charge, and she said MYR1000 per day, with the agreement that I pay for her shopping as well. That's a measly $260 per day; I could afford three of her in a month at that time! Now I can afford six of her! One requirement was that there would be no hanky panky.

We left for Langkawi the next day. I came to learn that she is from a rich family, being spoilt financially during the younger years. Now her father wants her to be independent. Being spoilt, it was difficult for her to have to start earning, and at $600 per month in Asia, is one heck of a difference than the $1000 she used to spend on her father's money during her studying years. So she was glad enough that I came into the picture. What astounded me is that she asked permission to shop for things than just picking up clothes and demands me to pay. I guessed she was just new in this.

Our first day was awkward. We stayed in the same room, but slept on different beds. We had meals together, but there was a lacking in conversation. I guessed our 30+ years difference of age contributed to differences in conversation topics. Things were not going well, so I decided to joke around more, than having meaningful conversation. That's when I started to poke her sides, made fun of her, and at first she found that very funny and weird, but soon enough was returning hits and punches.

By the third night, "no hanky panky" was practically out the window. We shared the same bed, cuddled to sleep after some activities that generally happen behind closed doors. I don't find it necessary to mention what happened in detailed. The rest of the holidays, when we were back in KL, were purely fun and lust. That's when I started noticing people giving us the looks. 'Sugar daddy', some would mutter to themselves. 'Bloody rich white men stealing our Asian girls', others would mutter. Some would call Amy a slut. But we were both adults and we are definitely not hurting them in any way, why then should we bother.

Coming home to New York after that experience was surprisingly awkward. I find myself missing her touches, but not her company. My family did not suspect anything amiss, and therefore I headed to Korea the following month. Spent another week with Amy and headed home. This went on for four months before Amy told me that she has started seeing some other men as well.

At first, I was very jealous and angry. I asked her to be my mistress, up the cost to $15000 per month, but she said she does not want to be bounded by rules or demands. It's either I lose her, or accept her. While I could easily find another like her, I find myself preferring to stay with one young body than to explore a few. I accepted her activities, and she reserved a week every month for me for as long as I still wanted her.

Sharing her was difficult at first. Knowing that some other men have touched her really turned me off. I've heard of swinging and wife swapping but coming from quite a traditional family, I am not comfortable with that at all. Two years later, at 21 she was already earning anywhere between $8000 to $15,000 a month in Asia, also having had one client paying her up to $3000 per day for two weeks. She kept herself low, only approaching clients subtly, or by references or contacts. She could make up to $20,000 to $50,000 per month if she was to work in Europe, but she prefers to always go home to Korea. Due to that, she mostly only meets clients in Korea, or other nearby Asian countries.

When she turned 22, she already has her own house and car, bought her parents a new home, and own several houses around Asia. A good girl with brains. If you look at it one-way, of course. Looking it another way, society will equate her no different than prostitutes at the roadside. She told me she has had over 50 different clients in three years, where she chose her clients strictly. Each of them must be businessmen, married (safety reasons I supposed), and not one who looks to test different girls everyday. She has had her clients bringing her to tour the whole world, and she has only three returning clients including me. I have tried to explore other girls as well, but stopped at my eighth exploration, as I can't find anyone as accommodating as Amy.

Today is the fourth year anniversary with her. I'm typing this as she's sleeping. We came back to Malaysia to celebrate. The scuba diving during the evening was very tiring. She still does not want to be my mistress, and I don't think she should. She is like an ice cream, when I need her I come look for her and is always obliging. When I don't need her, I won't hear from her. When she has outgrown my interest, I guess then I will look for a new one. Last I heard, her beautiful cousin who just turned 19 is begging her to tell the secrets of her wealth. Hmm... maybe she will learn Amy's talent and accommodating character.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Wait Ah, I Wanna Drop My Passenger

The time is 7:15am, it's the earliest I've ever arrived work in my married life. Yeah, during singlehood it's common to come damn early, and go home damn late. Now, why the heck I wanna spend more of my time with colleagues instead of family?! Anyway, my job starts at 9:00am, therefore I'm usually in by 8:40am. Today, I need to have documents sitting on the boss's table before he arrives, thus the early arrival.

Thanx to those who commented yesterday. Nice to know I do have some returning visitors... aghh... nose walls stretching! Pain! You're right, it's easy just to write something, not easy to make it interesting. Anyway, I'm not pushing myself to write something everyday, unless something interesting (at least to me) happens.

Now, this morning while traversing my usual road, it takes me longer to reach than usual, eventhough I left earlier!! It's the "Wait ah, I drop my passenger" syndrome. I understand that Kelana Jaya LRT seems to be the busiest drop-off point, but this is NOT the Kelana LRT, instead it's the one nearby Jalan Raja Chulan where there's no in-curve for cars to move in. So okay, I totally understand as a citizen of this country that you need to drop off your children, wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, mistress, master (?!) and buddies. I totally can understand if you stop at the left lane (of three lanes) to drop-off. But I totally don't understand some cars that stops three cars from the left (triple-stopping), spend some 20 seconds saying bye bye, kissy kissy and then open door, yak a bit more, and then close door, see your drop-off reach safely to the pavement and then go off. It takes 1 minute per car. And when there's about 3-4 cars doing the same thing, it can really get sickening to wait.

Ahh... seriously, it's okay to see them drop off children. But I think girlfriends or other adults should do it fast. Kiss the hands, or the forehead, open door, and leave.

Leaving that story aside, most Malaysians and I have to include myself in, hahaha... tend to have this mentality of "bang me if you dare lah" when crossing the roads, and especially pasar malam (night market) time!! Most night markets will take up one side of the road in areas where there's either three lanes, or two uni-directional lanes. Some real good pasar malam traders takes up only half of the lane so that their customers can stand on the other half and allow cars to go through.

But ya lah... in between looking at things, we wanna walk at a clearing, which usually will be the other lane where cars need to go by. Take a stopwatch, and time yourself cycling from one end of a pasar malam stretch, against a car doing the same thing. I think if you have a running race with the car, you'll whoop the car's ass... not, boot upside down. Sigh... Malaysians..., when will I ever change. :P

Among the worst habit, this one at least I don't do, is to signal way last minute!! Those that I have experienced include, one dude coming out of the junction, being the good citizen that I am (oi, don't puke lah!!) I allowed him to come out, just to see him straight away stop his car and got down to go to the bank. This is on Jalan Pudu where traffic is heavy on two lanes, and he nicely park his car on one side. Not only that, he does not enter the bank until he sees the car behind his (mine) goes away leaving his car safe after honking at him. My wife will probably laugh reading this as she was in the car as well.

Another one is the (you all sure kena this before!) following a car that suddenly decides to slow down a little, and then signal left and comes to a complete stop on the left lane (not even pushing the car to the curb) and decides to wait for whoever he's waiting for.... and you don't see anyone coming towards the car. To 'show' that the driver is really trying to hurry (and making you think that he's hurrying), one or two gestures will come out. Either the dude/ette will start stretching the head looking out the left window, OR, picks up the handphone to call someone. Most drivers behind this type of cars will already start cutting to the right and leave the place. Same with me, and I never really got to find out the average time it takes before the car finally picks up the passenger.

Another area very famous for slowing down of cars down to 20-30kmh is at Sungai Besi entering KL. Near the turn-off to Jalan Istana, in the evenings, you'll nearly always see two policeman standing at the side of the road, practically doing nothing but staring out. We're used to seeing jakun (as if never seen something like that before) drivers who slows down to take 4D during accidents, but, these are drivers who thinks there's something up,... aiya... got police mah, sure got something, and slows down to look. They're either thinking "What's happen?" or "Wah, men in uniform. Sluurrpp!" (for gays or women).

Reason I wrote this today is not really that I'm urinated (a.k.a. pissed) at what happened this morning. I found it amusing. Though I was used to Kelana Jaya having triple-stopped people, triple-stopping on a busy road is not a good way to drop passengers. You get real angry bus drivers honking away.

If you are ever in the vicinity of Jalan Sultan Ismail on a busy evening, keep a lookout for waiters! Ya!! Really!!! Traffic policeman, sometimes up to eight of them on every curb after the traffic lights with the summons book in their hands waiting for cars to beat red lights or cutting illegally and then stop these drivers to contribute to more traffic jams, as well as allowing the driver to contribute to police economy. Damn, I wish I can get pictures of those people.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

365 New Things In A Year

It just dawned (and dusked) on me that a strict daily blogger would have to actually come up with 365 new things to write in a year. While I don't intend to be an everyday blogger, I find myself writing nearly every working day except weekends. So far so good as I find myself having something to say every working day, but well, to think that a strict blogger writes 365 new things, that's scary! I'm only like um... write what... 30 plus new things? And worst of all, since I'm not writing a diary, I can't possibly think that my mind will not run out of stuff to say. Even when I used to write in diaries I'll have some entries that I just put "Nothing interesting today".

What if I were to write this blog as a diary? I think I can hit that 365 entries in a year quota for strict bloggers. My blog diary, in trying to also hide my identity would probably sound like below.
===================
bla bla date, bla bla day
Dear online diary, today I left home at 8:00am. I reached work at Menara Maxis at 8:30pm, and while pressing the lift to go to the 9th floor, I met Aminah. I remembered bumping into her just two days ago when I didn't realise she was standing behind me while I was reversing my car. Ah-Tan greeted me "good morning" just as I entered the office.

At lunch, we ate at KLCC, had fried mee and kiwi juice. Jason wanted to eat Kuey Teow, but with his chinese accent, the shop "Teoh Cookeries" gave him Kuih instead. Poor him. Oh, and Marissa's colour combination were totally off! Dark green and pink doesn't match!! How can she wears dark green dress and drinks sirap bandung??! What a fashion disgrace! She should drink kiwi juice like me, then ngam.

Boss called me to his office, asked me to deliver payment to Nia Seng Lu Sdn Bhd. Wah... the cheque was RM315,000!! What the heck he buy lah? Car ah? Girl ah? Got Mercedes CLK of course can afford this kind of stuff lah. Anyway, delivered cheque, and on the way back, it was raining, so had to drive slowly. Left work and reach home late, coz' the traffic light at the Atria Damansara area spoilt.

*Because this is an anonymous blog, names have been changed to protect identity. Time leaving and arriving workplace was changed to protect my working hours. Office floor and building name also changed to protect my career. Food and drinks were changed to protect my personal food preference. Also, cheque amount was change to protect business success, and boss's car was changed to protect boss. Traffic light location also changed to protect where I live. Company receiving cheque was changed to protect that company. Weather condition was changed to protect climate. Lastly, my transportation was changed to protect how I travel. Where I ate also changed to protect location of lunch. Basically everything changed lah. Kan senang!*
======================

With diaries like this, I myself won't understand what the heck I went through during the day. Might as well no need to write anything. Or... write like this....

======================
Some date, some day
Dear online diary, today I left someplace at sometime. I reached work at someplace at sometime, and while doing something to go to the someplace, I met someone. I remembered something happening with someone sometime ago. Someone greeted me something just as I did something at someplace.

At sometime, we did something at someplace, had something and something. Someone wanted to do something, but due to some problem, the someplace gave some other thing instead. Poor someone. Oh, and someone's something were totally something! Something and something doesn't match!! How can someone do something with something??! What a something! Someone should do something like me.

===================
Wah leh, damn sucky diary.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Things I Should Throw Away, But Still Keep

When I was working in some rural area in the past, I was very surprised to find that kampung folks (I've been to many!) generally do not need bookshelves. In two houses that I frequent, there's only sofa set, tv and small cabinet for keeping of VCDs/DVDs and the likes. It's not because they cannot afford it, these kampung folks who owns paddy fields makes about RM20,000 to RM30,000 per harvest, and harvesting is done twice a year. Besides that, they plant their own vegetables, own fruits. Basically, RM80 per month is more than enough to feed one mouth.

They're happy with a kancil for family car, and almost any other time that they want to travel it'll be on a motorcycle. Anyway, as much as I'd like to indulge on how serene their life is, I'm talking on things that I'd like to throw away but cannot. Give away can lah, but some cannot be given away in public. Hehe... we shall see.

Books!!
Since I'm talking about book cabinet in kampung house, surely this will come up. I believe self-improvement books like "How To Be Rich In 5 Weeks" or "Teaching Series: Flying A Helicopter" or "Sneeze Right For My Type" can still be useful for children along generations to come. But story books, such as that you enjoy, well, let's just say I have up to 20 or more story books, which are good, but most of them will be read only once. Family members are not interested in those kind of stories, so the books just sit there, taking warehouse space in which I should charge rental. Aih... real estate mentality.

If I were to sieve (is it the correct spelling? It's I before E, except after C. Ok, should be correct liao.) the books, I would be able to KNOW which books I know I won't read anymore. I'd give them away to friends or relatives, but then, sometimes you have these emotional attachments to the story, that it's difficult to let go. It's the same emotional attachment that made me still keep the Add Maths book of secondary school. Hey, I have MANY friends who keeps that Add Maths book (thick red coloured one). How to let go lar?

Kampung people buys magazine, in within two weeks, after everyone is satisfied reading it, burn the mags. As much as I'd like to do the same thing, again... it's like "I paid RM10 for that, why throw away??" At least now I've cut my magazines purchase from 4 mags per month to 1 mag per month, and that mag has only 4 months shelf-life. Whatever that's more than four month's old, will be given/thrown away. Yay, so there, I'm cured from mag madness, but books?!? I'm sure many out there have recipe books that weights a ton if put together. How many of these books are opened at least once in the past 5 years?! Sigh... story books will be the same. We buy more books, read them, then keep them, then buy some more. Need to find a cure... B-Virus crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal.

VCDs/DVDs!!
My original VCDs and DVDs, eh, what?! Original lah!! Really! I originally bought it, with original money. If I want to buy fake stuff, might as well use fake money right?? Haiya, use your logic lah.

Anyway, if we go to the movies, for two persons, it would cost about RM16 and for a whole family, let's put it 5 people lah, it'll cost RM40. Due to that, most people just opt for that super expensive DVDs that's sold widely at RM80 was it? Or RM100++?? I don't have my receipt, but I think it's RM80 for DVD5 and RM150 for DVD9. :D Help me out here people, using your brains, you'd know what I'm talking about. So anyway, leaving the damn-expensive-how-to-afford-lah price of the DVDs, we'll go to "why keep it?"

There are some shows that are good to keep, especially cartoons. I have relatives' and friends' children watching and rewatching Toy Story, Toy Story 2, The Incredibles, Shrek, Shrek 2, and many others to no ends. Everyday must see. I myself have some non-cartoon shows that I watch several times. Umm.. wait, when I say non-cartoon, I'm talking about real movies, not Triple-X. No, not the one Vin Diesel acts in, the other Triple-X,... ya, Gin Petrol acts it.

These shows (for me lah) are the likes of Braveheart, Se7en, Armageddon, and a few other good movies lah. Teenage horror movies like Scream series, Dead End, Wrong Turn, I Know What You Did series, and all those shows that reminds you so much of the malay nursery rhyme "Sepuluh Budak Hitam" where one by one people die,.... these shows deserve only ONE single viewing. There are good horror shows that can be watched maybe up to another 4-5 times such as Nang-Nak, The Eye, but most of them don't deserved second viewing.

Sorry to say, even top shows like Godzilla, Spiderman, Legally Blonde, Bourne Identity, Sum Of All Fears, I.Robot (trying to cover all spectrum here) are good for one viewing only. So, what does this say?? I believe I have over 150 DVDs, yeah... I rich hoh? 150 DVDs x RM80 = ??? This would say that I will probably never again touch up to 120 of them! Feels like throwing them away, and I think I will. It's really taking up too much space in the house. Well, not really... but it is clutter. Sometimes I think it's just better to enjoy good image and sound of the cinema, than buying DVDs, but then again, you THINK you spend only RM16 on cinema. But counting parking = RM1 to RM15 (1 Utama rate to KLCC rate), counting lunch before the cinema starts = RM15 for two people, counting the snacks you'd be bringing to the cinema = RM10, petrol, shoes depreciation coz of friction with the floor, shirt depreciation coz of friction against the wind, well, you know what I mean. But ya lah, if you're spending time with a loved one, it's worth it.

Well well, I believed I've slowly swaying away from topic. Okay, cut the story short.

Cups and Glasses!!
In many households, even in kampung, we have WAY too many glasses! Yes, they can be used for parties, but parties it's easier just to get paper cups. Too many companies giving free glasses as promotion!

Old garments!!
I know that at least 30% to 50% of what I have I will not wear in 5 years. Heck, at least 20% of what I have I've not worn in the past 5 years!

Hm.... for me, that's the list. I'm quite sure some other guys have problems with having over 50 ties, and at least 15 not worn in the past 2 years... and girls with over 50 shoes, with at least 15 not worn in the past 2 years. I iterate between 4 ties only, as long as my colleages don't say "Same tie again and again ah?" I don't think I'll purchase anymore. And I iterate between 2 working shoes only, men don't need shoes to match, happy for that.

As much as I sound spoilt having so many things to get rid off, as compared to those under-financed citizens of Malaysia (which I have full respect for), admit it, most urban folks are facing the same thing I'm facing.

What's your "need to throw, but cannot" list like?

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Real Story Behind Woman Who Floats

This is about yesterday's post, on the pakcik seeing the woman who floated. Credit goes out to M.A., a colleague of mine from 1998-2000 who experienced first-hand seeing a woman float. I've used his story as an inspiration for the Pakcik's story. The real story told to me was like this....

MA was actually with seven other friends, in two cars travelling on the trunk road in the east coast of Peninsular Malaysia. Travelling at nights with very light traffic is fine for all eight youngsters, no pressure to reach destination early, no problem cracking the vilest of jokes amongst guys. It was about half past 1am at that time.

What happened was they really got stopped by a woman. The woman frantically ran out of the forest area, waved at them to stop and they did. All eight got out of the car, the woman shouted asking them to help her. Her house really is on fire, but when they asked where, she pointed into the forest. Now, this is NOT an estate site, and is really a forest area. As she called them to help her and pointing into the forest, one of MA's friend told everyone that something is not right and asked all to enter the car.

So all did. She was still calling them, exactly as in my Pakcik story, moving backwards and slowly floating up the trees as she says "Marilah, bang. Tolonglah, bang." (trans: "Come, sir. Help, sir."). They couldn't start the car so all prayed inside. Then they heard her shrill laughter from her and seeing her sitting at one of the top branch of the trees. That time they managed to start the car and left. Two fell sick with fever.

Simple story, no gory scenes. No spice too. So, let's add spice. Hahaha... just for the fun of it.

Rewind true story.... Re-write fake story.....

MA was travelling with three other friends in two cars. Reason for this is they wanna reach Terengganu, meet up with some other friends and in two days drive to KL altogether, all seven of them. So, MA was with his friend Hakim, the other two Fuad and Jamal was in the other car.

The time was about 1:30am or so, from Pahang driving up to Terengganu, they passed by some forest and suddenly got stopped by a malay woman. Looks ok, quite pretty. She was panicking, asking for help. Pointing into the forest she asked them to help her. Feeling something not right, Fuad asked everyone to get into the car. So they all did. Said some prayers, while looking at this girl suddenly backing slowly into the forest, and floating.

MA knew what's gonna happen next. This is pontianak, the woman will start to have a shrill laugh soon enough. So, while she's reaching halfway up the trees, MA refused to look at her already, and just laid his eyes on the dashboard while trying to start the car. The shrill laughter came, but not as he expected. It came directly from his left, he turned and Hakim was no longer there. It was the woman, now horribly disfigured, white long hair and with eyes bulging and from a face of pure skeleton and skin.

MA shouted and got out of the car, only to hear Hakim screaming. Hakim is now slowly floating up the trees in place of the woman, while the woman inside the car spoke in Hakim's voice "MA, get in the car! Quick!" MA looked back, Fuad and Jamal frantically waving to MA to get into the car. MA looked back into the car, Hakim is there now. He turned around to the trees and sees the woman there. She spoke to him, "You made a mistake coming out of the car. Do not blink your eyes, because if you do, you need to be careful of your feet!".

MA got frightened from her sight so he closed his eyes and reached back for his car door, only this time it felt like wood. He felt light. He opened his eyes and looked down. As ridiculous as it seems to him, he's now on the tree branch, wearing white gown and having long hair. He looked down, sees himself get into the car, and both cars drove off. He shouted for them, they looked up at him and shouted while trying to drive as fast as possible.

In Fuad's eyes, it was the woman leaping down to them and floating beside their car smiling. In MA's eyes, Fuad was driving fast, with Jamal looking out the window at him looking very frightened. Then MA got pulled back. He's back on the tree, seeing the cars go off into the distance.

Upon reaching a petrol kiosk, Hakim asked to drive, to relief MA from his shock, and he did drive until the about 3am. While he was busy talking to MA in the car, and getting lack of response, he turned to his left. No one was in the car. MA was gone. He stopped, Fuad and Jamal stopped as well, asking where MA is. All were totally dumbfounded. They traced their way back to the petrol station, there was no sign of MA. They decided to leave one car there and drove back to where they first spotted the ghost.

Reaching there, they found MA on the ground. Unconscious. Something is looking at them from the trees. When they looked up, they can see MA, smiling at them. They quickly got the unconscious MA into the car. There's two cars coming from a distance, at least there are more people now. They didn't wait for the cars to reach them, and instead, drove on.

Looking back in the rear view mirror, they saw both cars stopped, 4 women got out and MA frantically waving at them pointing into the forest.

......

What happened then???

These 4 women were entrepreneurs. They managed to convince MA to turn back into the woman, to stop her stupid hauntings that brings no benefit, and decided to make a tourist attraction at that forest location. The pontianak gets 50% of all t-shirt products, phototaking and storybook/movie royalties and donates 80% of her own profits to the the local Heart Foundation. How compassionate of her.

Below is a picture of a tourist with the pontianak. The tourist is NOT ME!!

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Walau-eh.... costs RM15 just to take picture with this pontianak. So damn expensive liao. But only one place in Malaysia you can meet this pontianak mah, even KLCC don't have. So, considered okaylah.

*Photo courtesy from Paolo Attivissimo's website*

Monday, July 11, 2005

Interview With The Pakcik (Part 3)

Please do not read this post unless you have read 23rd June and 3rd July's post. They are inter-connected.

* The interview has been translated to english for the benefit of all readers, especially my own. This is because the Pakcik speaks in heavy Kelantanese dialect and it was damn difficult even for me to comprehend.*


9:45pm, 6th July 2005
Pakcik Non's Home

Me: Pakcik, I've read some of the reporters' interview with you, and it seems that you found Ah-Kim's body because you smell rotting flesh on your way to work? How did you know it's a rotting flesh?

Pakcik: I'm already 74 years old. Though I was not in the military, I was involved in defending my village during the Japanese occupation. So, I am very well used to smelling decaying bodies as well as burned ones. That time was a nightmare. I hope you won't interview me on that.

Me: No Pakcik, my interview is going to be based on the latest happening here. Police stated that the boy has been dead for more than 36 hours. Was there anything unusual that happened on the day before? As you were heading to work?

Pakcik: Actually yes. The day before on my way to work, I saw something like a mist at that area. So I slowed down, and I saw the boy, Ah-Kim was it his name? Anyway, I thought he was just a wandering ghost, you know, the type that cannot sit still and roams the earth. Funny thing is, he was still standing there instead of going on his way, but I never thought anything negative from that, that morning.

Me: You never mentioned this to the reporters, how come? And couldn't you see Ah-Kim asking for help in any way?

Pakcik: If I were to mention I saw Ah-Kim in the news. What do you think will happen? His parents will blame me for not acting fast. The whole nation will come to interview me further and disturb my life. Pious friends will accuse me of making up stories, to take advantage of news, and so on.

Me: Why are you telling me now, Pakcik?

Pakcik: You're not a reporter. I believe you are a researcher. And I can see that you have some of Pakcik's curse as well. You see ghosts too, don't you?

Me: No Pakcik. I cannot. I can sense them sometimes, but have never seen one. Why do you call it a curse? Wait, before that, get back to Ah-Kim. Was he in anyway asking for help from you?

Pakcik: Well, I can see him shouting. I can see, but I cannot hear ghosts. And then when he was shouting, he started to blur out. At that time, I can only see him form, not himself, and I knew he was moving his hands. I had to act as if I cannot see him, because I thought he's one of those haunts.

Me: Haunts, pakcik?

Pakcik: Haunts are ghosts who are restless, and wish to show themselves. Sometimes, when we acknowledge their existence, they will start to scare us. That's why I don't want to acknowledge him. Or else he might just harm me, or follow me home, which I don't want! Enough of ghosts of Japanese soldiers following me home. I learn from that. That's why I call this gift a curse.

Me: Some say it's a gift, some say it's a curse. Has this gift really trouble you a lot? When did you first knew you could see ghost? Were you born with it?

Pakcik: No, I acquired this gift sometime after the war has ended. I was 35 at that time. I was expecting my third child, so I worked into the nights. One of the nights when I rode back home, I noticed the air was colder than usual. I dismissed it at first when I thought it was going to rain. Then I saw a girl some distance on my path waving at me.

Me: Did you run away? What was she wearing?

Pakcik: Run away?! It's just a girl. Why would I want to run away? My first thought is that she wanted a ride on my bicycle. As I was getting closer, she ran to me, panting asking me to help her. As for what she's wearing, I know you want to hear long hair and white gown. No, none of that. She was in her early twenties, hair tied back and wearing a red baju kurung. Not pretty, but not ugly either.

Me: What happened then, Pakcik?

Pakcik: She was pointing into the forest, asking me to follow her. Saying that her house is on fire. I asked how her far inside is her house, because from the thick brushes, I knew I had to run in. She said it was just about half a kilometer in, but if it's really half a kilometer in, I would have seen some kind of light. At that time it was already getting very dark, near the end of Maghrib. I got suspicious, so I stayed there while she backs off into the forest, still calling for me. Any sane human would have already pulled me, or run inside the forest and look back, shouting for me to follow, but she was very calm. She backs into the forest, still looking at me, waving me to follow her, saying "follow me". As she was reaching the trees from the road path, I noticed she started to float. I would have bolted, but I was too shocked, paralysed! I started saying some prayers and when she was half as tall as the trees, I found myself able to move so I rode on. That was when I heard a scream of laughter from her behind me. All of a sudden I hit a rock and fell. Are you listening?

Me: Yes, Pakcik, go on.

Pakcik: Okay, you were too quiet, I thought you were lost in your own thought. To continue, I woke up the next day at home, with high fever for several days. My wife said I shouted a lot in my sleep. I am glad I was fit to work again within a week.

Me: You still didn't mention how you acquired the gift.

Pakcik: That was how I acquired the gift. A few days later, after Subuh prayers I left for work. It was still very dark, but what's different is that I see more people awake than usual. I see some people already awake, some walking about, some on bicycles. There were no noise from these people, just doing their own things. Though I found it weird, I rode on to work. Then I saw three men marching in Japanese uniform. That was when my hairs stood. I rode faster hoping to reach work faster, but I just had to stop at one sight I cannot forget. I saw my friend rubber tapping. He saw me, smiled at me and continued on with his work. The scary thing is that he died 12 years prior to that.

Me: That would have definitely made me run.

Pakcik: There are times when you will not run from a ghost. When you see a ghost of a dead loved ones, be it family or close friends, would you run away? I didn't. I actually walked to him. As I was reaching home, he turned to his back, and then started running. Then I saw the Japanese ghosts earlier running as well. That's when I knew they were chasing him. I finally knew then how he died. They manage to shoot his leg from far, and then they stood over him, demanding something. When he shook his head, they started to kick him, stomp him and one man decided to end his life by stabbing him at his neck with the bayonet. Then I puked.

Me: I've heard of this situation before, pakcik. What you saw is a released energy of the dead. At some situations, you will see what happened in the past due to that energy still lingering around. It can happen again and again at different times, as long as some settings is right. I'm not sure what kind of settings, maybe the atmosphere.

Pakcik: You're not the only one who heard of this. Yes, I believed I saw how he died because of the memories from that energy. Now, answer me this. When I puked, the soldiers looked at me, then they started running at me. Now, this cannot be the memories from that energy, you know. I ran away, on foot because my bicycle was quite some distance away. Being the klutze that I am, I tripped and fell, and they came up behind me. I turned around and looked at them. The Japanese with the bayonet smiled, and stabbed me with at my chest. The bayonet went through, but something was wrong. I didn't feel it, and I was not bleeding. I was shocked. The Japanese was in a more state of shock that I am. I guessed that was the time they realised they were dead. All three started pointing and shouting at me. They tried jumping on me and tried to strangle me, but they could hold nothing. All I could see was their transparent bodies on top of me, but their feet and knees were on the ground underneath my body, through me.

Me: You didn't faint from that shock, pakcik?

Pakcik: No, I was too angry seeing how my friend died to feel scared. I was just shocked I wasn't killed. First time with a ghost you know, how would I know that the bayonet cannot kill me? They got so angry with me they didn't want to leave me alone. So they followed me to work, they followed me during lunch, they watched me pray Zohor and Asar and they followed me home. That was when chaos started in my family.

Me: How come they were not afraid of your prayers? And what happened at home after they followed you?

Pakcik: I'm not sure why they were not affected by the prayers. I believe they were not devils to begin with, and they were not able to harm me. But they did just sit away looking at me from a distance. Now, at home, my 2nd child, a baby girl of 2 years has my gift. That was when I knew, she can see them. At first when they knew she could see them, they tried attacking her. That left us with about two to three days of her constantly crying, running away from wherever they are, eating with her eyes constantly on these Japanese. My wife knew there was something in the house, but she doesn't know I could see them. I met a couple of bomoh to help lure our the ghosts, but they could only come in the next few days.

Me: So your daughter ended up not sleeping nights then? Must have been very bad trauma for her.

Pakcik: It was very bad. Her eyes started to darken and she hardly sleeps. Always tugging at me and pointing to them. I'm lucky that they follow me to work everyday and not stay home to disturb my daughter. One thing changed though. They left me one afternoon and didn't come back to follow me. I thought it was over. But my thoughts were wrong. I came home one night hearing my daughter talking. I thought my wife was talking to her. When I came up I realised that she was talking to the Japanese. My wife was in the kitchen, perhaps thinking that our daughter was just playing. They were not looking as fierce as they were. They saw me, stood up, bowed and left. And was the last time I ever saw them.

Me: That's very rare, pakcik. For them just to disappear like that.

Pakcik: How would you know what is rare and what is not? Human ghost still come from human life, and as humans we have compassion. I guess they slowly accepted that they were dead, and somehow my daughter must have soothed them, and in the end, they left. Even I, who was very angry at them for disturbing my family did not feel vengeful over them after they left. I'm just hoping they find peace.

Me: That's a very interesting experience, pakcik. Back to the current case, what about that little boy who claims Ah-Kim will call his parents? Any truth in that?

Pakcik: The little boy is very innocent. He just wants to help anyone in trouble. He is sad to see Ah-Kim not able to speak to his family, therefore asked Ah-Kim to call his family up. They can you know. Use the phone, that is. On a correct atmosphere, a ghost needs to just be in the room, with part of his being at the phone and the phone will ring. He will speak, not through the phone, but just speak standing up, like you do in speeches, but the phone answerer will only hear his voice in the telephone. But this requires the correct time and atmosphere, which we normally will not face.

Me: Wow, pakcik. You seem to know a lot! How did you know about ghosts being able to call on the phone? The boy told you?

Pakcik: Not the boy. No. Actually, I just found out about this today as well. In fact, it was just a few minutes before you arrived.

Me: How? Who told you?

Pakcik: You were too engrossed in interviewing me and listening to my story. You told me you could feel ghost. You and I are not the only ones in this room. Ah-Kim is sitting directly to your right.

Friday, July 08, 2005

How To Buy A New House In Malaysia

Side note: Applause to Memnoch for the wonderful description of Ali's tablecloth yesterday.

Serious post, for those who really want to buy a new house in Malaysia, be it foreigners or Malaysians themselves. The first part is the trap and pitfalls we have to be concerned about, especially about salesman. Then, the processes, and lastly the guidelines. I have moved from selling houses due to not being comfortable with false sales pitch. Cannot stomache it. Hahaha... house-selling real estate salesman will hate me for writing this. If you're a house sales negotiator, please understand that it's not putting money into your pocket (survival) that's important, but also meet your customer's needs. Don't sell what they don't need!

SALES NEGOTIATOR
A sales negotiator working for a real estate company is actually a matchmaker between a potential client and the housing project developer. There are developers who sells on their own instead of using a real estate company.

In MOST real estate company, negotiator (salesman) earns through commission. I will not disclose the amount they get, but let me just put an estimate figure of earning RM500 - RM1000 for every RM200k house sold. Therefore, to survive, negotiators try to sell at least RM500k worth or more, which equals to two houses per month. There are currently more than 6,000 sales negotiator in KL alone, and market demand does not allow all negotiators to earn that much. Because of that, it's the selling skills that's important. There are two ways to sell, one by sincerity and another by bluffing.

Sincerity is easy to detect. They don't talk loudly, and not faking excitement. They will tell you what the house can do and cannot do. Decision will solely based on you. Whatever you ask for, such as house layout and stuff, they will meet your request.

Bluffing is false sales pitch. "Sir, special offer TODAY only!" and things like that. That sentence is sometimes used throughout a two weeks period. It's up to the customer to believe or not to believe, as there are usually no black and white statements even from the bosses to the negotiator to give the special offer. It's done verbally. What you have to watch out for are those bluffs such as "DBKL says they'll remove that unsightly structure", or "The government is doing something about the floods in this area." Should these statements come out, ask for black and white!

There are NO SUCH THING as forest reserved!! Yes, negotiators will say "This is a new piece of development, not crowded, and you're surrounded by forest reserved." Forest reserved is a nicer word for "soon to be developed land". Sad as it is, money talks, and forest dies.

In summary, when dealing with sales negotiator, look at the physical object first! If they don't have the show house for you to visit, take photo of the miniature showcase. Then inquire about the surrounding. If there are no show house, go to the development area, in mornings and evenings to feel the traffic situation. Your eyes tell everything. If you see a swimming pool (a.k.a. shit pool) situated nearby, don't expect them to be removed unless there's a black and white. While technology is better now, they will smell on bad days but not everyday.

House details:
Bricks: At this current moment, most houses uses cement bricks (white coloured ones) and clay bricks (red coloured ones). Clay bricks are better. Most development saves cost by using clay bricks in-between houses only, and cement bricks within the structure of each house. It's not to say cement bricks suck, both are good, but cement bricks are more fragile. That's all. In truth, you won't suffer not having clay bricks. So, inquire whether cement bricks or clay bricks is being used if the house seems too expensive.

Concrete Beams: Almost all of house pamphlets indicates "reinforced concrete beams / pillars". This is the common standard. No where will you find just a "concrete beams". All are reinforced. If they're not using reinforced, government would not approve. So, don't get caught with "Of course it's expensive sir, it's a reinforced concrete beam!!"

Stairs: Stairs comes either with a 3-feet or 4-feet width. 3-feet stairs may make the ground floor looks bigger, but don't expect to easily carry cabinets/cupboards up the stairs. Most of the time you'd need to assemble such things upstairs. Better get a 4-feet width staircase if you're gonna buy furnitures. If you're rich enough to get people to bring wood and construct built-in cabinets and the likes, 3-feet width staircase is enough.

PROCESSES
Upon getting interested in buying a house, you'd need to pay what is called a booking fee. Usually it's about 2% or 3% of the house price. You WILL get a receipt for paying the booking fee. You will need to top it up to 10% of the house price by a week or two weeks time, depending on the developer. Most will give two weeks, and there is usually no exception on delaying that! Upon paying 10%, you'll need to sign the Sales & Purchase (SNP) agreement. Signing it means you're going to be legally the house owner for that house.

From signing of SNP, the clock starts ticking to give you up to three months to get house loans (or if you're rich, to pay off the house price). Best thing to do is to get several banks because not all banks can approve your loan. Also, do it the moment you get your receipt from booking fee, at least it gives you an additional two weeks to get approval.

Once you get the approval and get the money, pay the developer. Taadah, deal is done with the developer. You will get your house within four months to two years (for new projects) or within just a few months (completed projects). Now you owe the bank!

What if bank can't approve?! Most bank allow up to 80% house loan easily, but to get a 90% or even a 100% house loan, your net income (salary minus other loans) need to be at least three times the price of monthly payments. Do your maths. If you earn RM6000 per month, and after paying car loan and other house loans, it's at RM3000. Meaning, you can get easy approval if you're paying RM1000 per month. Take note, banks are connected. They will know if you owe another bank for housing loans or even car loans. So don't expect to buy 10 houses from 10 different bank loans.

When the house is ready for occupation, you will get a phonecall to get your key. Rejoice! The house is now yours to stay.

GUIDELINES
EPF
: You are allowed to take out money from account 2 of EPF for your house. The amount you can take out depends on your loan. Of course if the house is RM100k, and you get a RM90k loan, don't expect to take out RM30k from account 2. EPF will check on the amount of loan you wish to take before releasing the money to you.

You are allowed again to take out from EPF in another five years, but ONLY to pay for the same house. If you wish to use EPF for a second house, you need to finish paying off your first house first.

Unsure Of Purchase: If you're not sure whether you want to buy that house, at the same time not wanting to lose the chance to buy it, you have one to two weeks to check out other properties. Pay the booking fee, which is about RM2000 to RM3000 for a RM100k house, and then look out for other properties before signing the SNP. When you cancel your booking, you will be charge anywhere between 2% to 30% of your booking fee for administrative cost. Which means, at RM3000, you will lose RM60 to RM900. Most real estate companies / developers will charge less than 10% punishment,.. I mean administration fee.

After signing SNP, the only way to back out (of course there will be a penalty as well) is if you cannot get approval at all and there is no other way to pay for the house. It is a lot more difficult to back out if there is no other obstacle to buying the house, other than you losing interest.

Bumiputera anyone?! Some development gives discounts to bumiputera of up to 7%. Bumiputera means malay, iban, kadazan and other sarawak/sabah/pahang orang asli, Malaccan portugese, and 2nd generation bumiputera malaysian by marriage. A singaporean malay is NOT a bumiputera in this context, they are considered foreigner. Also, the 2nd generation bumiputera malaysian means, a singaporean malay marries a malaysian chinese. Both are not bumiputera. But their children is considered bumiputera. This bumiputera issue is a very sensitive issue, and may define differently in departments of the Malaysian government. If unsure, please check with the Housing Ministry on your status.

Bumiputera Reserved: Understand that bumiputera reserved development means it can only be bought by a bumiputera, and, after that, be sold to another bumiputera, and sold to another bumiputera and so on. None of the development can be owned by non-bumiputera. So, choose wisely especially if you want to buy for investment to sell again in the future.

I am bumiputera, I buy at discount, then I sell to non-bumiputera and earn 7%!! No such thing!! Well, there is actually, buy only after five years! Government is aware of this naughty practise which is why there is such thing as a Property Gains Tax, I call it PGT for short lah. PGT means, if you sell the house within one year, you need to pay tax amounting to 30% of the house price you have paid. The PGT reduces every year to 20% (2nd year), 15% (3rd year), 10% (4th year) and 5% (5th year).

Foreigners wanting to buy a house in Malaysia: Current law (year 2005) allows foreigners to only purchase houses that costs above RM250,000 after discount/promotion deductions. There is no exception on this rule. However, if they have a relative who's a Malaysian, the relative can be the owner of the house instead. But do you really want another person's name as the owner of your house?

There, I'll stop here. Any questions on house buying, feel free to question me. Any mistakes that I made here, which I believe there's none, please tell me.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Ali's Big Blue Book

I'm bringing up an issue I used to discuss the past 3 years with friends. This is not an english lesson, but an english lesson question that has remained unanswered until today. It's "HOW TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING".

Now, let's say there's a book. And it belongs to Ali. We'll say it's Ali's book.
Add BLUE to the equation. And we'll say it's "Ali's blue book", not "blue Ali's book".

Now, that book is big. Therefore, we have two choices. It's either "Ali's blue big book" or "Ali's big blue book". Of course the latter sounds better. Simple enough right? It's owner, followed by size and then colour.

Now, the CHALLENGE!!

Please describe the tablecloth in a good structured sentence/s. I've never found a good way to describe it. Anyway, I'm not hoping for anyone to reply also, but well, what the heck. At least it stimulates me again on this issue.

1. It's a tablecloth
2. It belongs to Ali (owner)
3. It's brown (colour)
4. It's old (age)
5. It's torn (condition)
6. It's made of silk (material)
7. It's wet (another condition)
8. It's heavy (weight)
9. It's dirty (yet another condition)
10. It's ugly (yet yet another condition)
11. It's transparent (yet yet yet another condition)
12. It's large (size)

Therefore, it's "Ali's large old, transparent, heavy, wet, ugly, dirty, torn, silky brown tablecloth"?? Sounds very confusing.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

How To Drive In Kuala Lumpur

This post is my contribution to all the foreigners who wants to rent or buy a car and drive in KL (God knows why you wanna do that!). Besides knowing that we need to drive on the left side of the road, there are several other rules to observe, which is not mentioned in the rule book. Doing the stated will make you one of us, KL drivers.

1. In traffic jams, follow the car in front at about a half-car length. Please pay a lot of attention to the cars on your right and left. The moment they signal to come between you and the car in front, please close up to the car in front, and reduce your distance to about two-four inches length.

2. Following rule 1, but outside of traffic jams, if you're driving at a comfortable pace of two cars length, and you are aware of another car intending to get in between you. Please speed up to the same speed as the incoming car to reduce your distance with the car in front to about two-four inches. Upon the incoming car deciding to come up behind you, you may stay your two cars length. Do pay close attention to that car behind you now, in case it tries to come out and go in front of you.

3. When you are driving on the fast lane, and a car comes up fast behind you, flashing lights at you. Do not worry. This is how our friendly drivers tell you urgently that you're driving too fast. Proceed to reduce your speed 30km/h from your current speed.

4. Follow rule 3, should the car cuts you from your left, you have the option to i) Speed up to follow that car, and return the favour by flashing him and keeping close to his boot, or ii) Don't return him the favour, watch him disappear and respect his actions to warn other cars in front of you.

5. When looking for a parking space, follow the car in front closely. If the driver passes by an empty lot, and signals to that lot, he/she is signalling you to please take that parking lot he/she has found for you. He/She might just wait until you park and get out from the car before showing a sign of respect with his hand. You may return double by showing both hands.

6. Be a good citizen. When an ambulance needs to get by, allow it to. After that, show your concern by following it closely behind at its speed to ensure that it gets to its destination safely. Should the destination be different from yours, you may go on with your destination as other good citizens are about who will do the same.

7. On highways, if you see busses or lorries flashing you from the other side, this indicates that you're driving too slowly on an obviously safe and spacey roads ahead. Please then proceed to drive 20km/h above the current speed limit. Wave to the policeman under the bridges and thank them for their report to the busses and lorries.

8. Remember the very important slogan, Don't Drink And Drive. You need both hands on the wheel during driving. Drink first, then drive.

9. Some drivers may be sleepy, and if you do locate drivers who needs a wake up call, please wind down your window and kindly shout "Oi, buta ke?!" which means "Oi, wake up!". This is the standard greeting to ask someone to be awake. You may add "Aku belasah kang!" (trans: "Please stay awake") to keep them awake.

10. Left and right signals should only be used when parked. On the road, please refrain from using signals as this will distract other drivers to the blinking lights from your car.

11. There are times when eventhough the lights turn green, you are not able to move because there are cars from the left/right going right/left that got stuck behind traffic. Please show your support for their enthusiasm by blaring the horn. You may also wind down your window and shout the universal cheer "Oi, tak sekolah ke?!" which means "Oi, I respect you. You're courageous."

12. If you notice tissues or papers being thrown out of cars, take heed and learn from it. This is our way of recycling products. Tissues and papers comes from wood, and back to nature they should be sent. Plastics are thrown out to accumulate water so that mosquito can breed, which feeds frogs, which feeds snakes, which feeds mongoose, which feeds... you get my drift. This is the cycle of life. Contribute to it.

13. Too many drivers speed upon seeing yellow lights. Do not follow this culture! The driver behind might just follow you and may get into an accident. Instead, wait until the light turns red right before crossing the line so that you save the driver's life in the car behind you.

14. Some good drivers refrain from using the horn (honk) and therefore will not know if it works during an emergency. The best opportunity for you to assist them is while finding a parking space. Just park beside a car that you wish to help, and go about your shopping. Upon hearing the horn blaring, come out and move your car, allow the driver to get out and park at the driver's place. This is a win-win situation. They get to know their horn works well, and you get a parking space.

15. Roads in KL allows for many opportunity to examine your shock absorbers, which should be in good working order at all times. Therefore, you may check your shock absorbers by driving into potholes located at every 500meters to 3km on KL roads. This will also improve your aiming skills. If you're lucky, you may find potholes at 5 meters intervals.

16. Flash floods are opportunities to exercise. Obesity is a problem cropping up nowadays in the modern society, due to aircond and remote controls. Upon seeing flash floods, make your way to it, bring your gear to neutral and proceed to push your car. This will take away about 300 calories to make way for the yummy large-sized icecream you're eating at night to reward you for exercising.

17. Drivers usually slow down to be 'kepochi' (trans: concerned citizens) especially during accidents. Do not do this. Only slow down to look at kawaii girls who are crossing the streets or standing at street corners. This will benefit a lot of people. It calms your stress and improve your eyesight. It also alerts drivers behind you, to calm their stress and improve their eyesight. Lastly, it builds good confidence in the kawaii girls.

18. Some parking lots especially in shopping complexes have larger lots with a picture of a man with a wheel as their buttock. Do not confuse this picture with space reserved for the disabled. These spaces are reserved for foreigners who have big buttocks, or Kenny Sia, whose pants have an enlargement for two big balls and big bird that drags from underneath the buttock. Parking spaces reserved for disabled are drawn with a picture of a man holding a cane.

19. Train fellow citizens to be patient. Upon leaving a carpark, do stop your car at the gate and proceed to look for autopay machines. Drivers will show their support and thanks by blaring their horn. Wave to them upon re-entering you car.

20. When looking for houses/buildings at an unknown road, keep to your right while driving as slow as possible. This allows drivers behind to help look out for you as well. Blaring of horn indicates that you're getting closer. More horns blaring means you're very very close to your destination.

There you have it. The rules above are used by quite a number of drivers, while other drivers are still learning to get used to the rules. Remember, nothing brings more joy to life than helping others. Most of the rules either help others, or allow others to help you.