Monday, August 13, 2007

Friend Helping Friend

Two scenarios came up when I was having a discussion on “helping others” which in the end to me ends up “helping the pity-monger” last week. Yes, I have to be crude on calling them pity-monger.

1. Imagine yourself running a marathon with your friend beside you, no reward, no money, just to end a run. You see him trip and fall, but otherwise ok. What you do as a friend is to help him pick himself up so that he can continue the run. What you must not do is to help him up and carry him to the finish line.

2. You and a friend got stranded on a raft in the middle of the ocean. He totally believes that you two won’t be rescued. You’re just praying you will be. In his situation, he jumps off the raft, so that he can end things faster. When the water hits his face, he realizes he’s meeting death, and he gets scared. Being unable to swim, you jumped in after him and pulled him back to the raft. Three hours later, he does the same, and you rescue him. Another three hours later, he does the same. The question here is; when do you stop rescuing him and let him die?

I’ll be blunt. In scenario 2, after I try talking sense into him at least two-three times and I myself get exhausted from the heat, I won’t go in anymore. Not worth risking my life to save someone who wants to end it over and over again. Unless I have a rope, I’ll just tie him to the raft to make him totally immobile.

Basically, scenario 2 came up because my friend gets a nearly-daily phone call from a pity-monger. Given up on being happy, she constantly calls him to whine about being unhappy. He will go through all means to make her happy (at the start) and then she feels better, and then days later, rinse and repeat. At times, coz’ he has his own sets of problems and own life to live, he just give her a piece of his mind, but still he feels as if he’s responsible for her. So, he’s asking how to go about this? This IS exactly the same scenario 2, whether you like it or not.

In our lives, we are conditioned to be on one side of many attitudes. Just as an example is ;being prompt (good), but dishonest (bad). Some are stubborn at changing for the better (bad) but never fails to deliver whatever tasks is given (good). Diligent but lazy. Passionate but hostile. With tons of different virtues, we all do not belong to the good ones, there always will be some bad ones. Nothing wrong with that, however…

Pity-mongering is one of the worst diseases. It comes from stubbornness to change. Problem is, it is a human basic need under the Pyramid of Hierarchy of Needs. It starts as a baby/toddler to “get attention” from parents. I have to admit, being praised for studies, for intelligence, career path, from friends of parents is something to be happy about. You bask in the warmth of the praise. Sadly, some of us cannot accept that this will end. When this ended for me, it was an awakening; feeling of lost but freedom. It’s like suddenly asking yourself “Were the things I do in the past purely to satisfy my need for attention?”

Pity-mongers cannot accept the lost of attention. When life goes down on them, they seek friends. The more a friend shows attention and care to their situation, the more they need this friend. Whenever the ‘good juice’ goes low, they call their friend to life their spirits up. The worst part of this is, they call with the SAME problem, but expecting DIFFERENT advices/methods of cheering up. I learned back in 1991, from Lawrence Walter Ng’s seminar, that “Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results”.

Pity-mongers have not grown up. They expect to be enveloped by love and care, and be shielded from all hostilities and evil. The world is NOT like that. LIFE itself is a test, and amazingly, people actually failed at living. What’s funny is that the ones who fails at living are those born totally in a comfortable or good situation; not born in a country at war, in famine, extreme hostile conditions or even without parents.

How you face pity-mongers is up to you, but if you do not have any responsibility for their life (ie. not a nurse to a patient, not a psychiatrist to a mental patient), then you do not need to make sure their life is good. Imagine this scene. Peter finds life totally sucks and called John daily for advice. John being so mild-mannered gets bullied by Peter at least two hours daily to cheer him up finally won a lottery ticket after 5 years. Peter never called John again. John in fact, wasted 152 days of his life on Peter. Yes, John in compassionate, but he gave Peter fish everyday instead of teaching Peter how to fish. Your ONLY responsibility towards pity-mongers is to educate them enough for them to move on, if they refuse to move on, leave it be. Sorry, but just leave it be.

In my personal opinion, pity-mongers have one failed issue in their life. Once any human being started working, only three areas affect their lives; finance, health and relationship. Pity-mongers failed in relationship by failing to understand what relationship is (not purely on husband/wife or girlfriend/boyfriend, but also employee/employer, master/pet or worst you/stranger. If your life is affected negatively by a stranger, that does not constitute to you losing yours and your loved-one’s life or mental health, please see me. I will smack your face so hard you will realize what stupidity you got yourself into.

Example of you/stranger that you should not bother: - i) Being honked at and given a finger while on the road (and other road-related anger that doesn’t damage your car or make you late). ii) Being laughed at for asking a question a person thinks is stupid. iii) Mistreated in public by people who thinks they have authority. Etc etc etc. If the only effect from the above is a bruised ego, and you spend more than two hours being affected by it, go look yourself in the mirror and do a Chris Rock’s “F*** YOU.” Ego is not an ingredient to happiness though many believe otherwise.

I will write another pity-mongering related post some time on “Unconditional Love” which I believe is a double-edged sword, a gift and a boon.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i just come back from Lawrence Walter Ng seminar...he really motivate me:)..in fact of 'stupidity of doing the same thing...but now he use INSANITY doing the same thing